The over-70s are bringing sexy back

I BECAME aware of senior dating when I started working with Bryan D Segar.

He is 74 and a real character. He told me, “I think I will live to at least 80, and I need a woman in my life”. Bryan and me wrote a witty informative personal advert and placed it in a national paper and in Ireland’s Own. Bryan got quite a few replies but how he responded to them was quite surprising to me.

I had coached him to not be too blunt on the phone and to take his time to move things slowly in a new relationship. Bryan told me one morning, “I spoke with the woman from the advert last night, I told her I want a woman to love me, and I want a sexual relationship”.

I was physically cringing but he was unrelenting. “What? You think sex is just for your 20s or 30s? Sex is a part of normal life and if I am going to meet a woman I want her to know I am a normal man with normal needs.”

On every call or meeting, Bryan would outline his career in the Royal Navy and the British army, and explain how he wanted someone to love him for being him, and that he still had sexual needs at 74.

I spoke with Rena, from internet matchmaking agency Intro, who told me that people in their 70s date differently than those in their 40s or 50s. “People become more aware of their mortality and because of that are more upfront about what they are looking for in someone,” she said.

“Women over 60 are quite forthright about wanting a sexual relationship and will often stipulate this. Some will have tried the golf club or the dance buddy, and have not found the sexual partner they desire in those avenues.”

Rena went on to say that men traditionally will be shy to talk about sex, whereas women will be more upfront on what they need. Women don’t necessarily want someone to move in — they want weekends away, trips to the theatre and restaurants.

In her book Prime Time, published in 2011, Hollywood superstar Jane Fonda featured several chapters devoted to encouraging sexuality in old age, a topic she knows is uncomfortable for many people. Fonda said she took four years to write the book and savoured the extensive research process, which involved attending numerous conferences and interviewing specialists including psychologists, scientists, gerontologists, sex therapists and physicists. Last year, Fonda declared that at 74, she had never had such a fulfilling sex life.

I met with Michael who is 71. He was married for 39 years and after a long illness his wife passed away six years ago.

When he heard about a matchmaking website on television he called and made an appointment.

“I want a companion to do things with. I would love someone to kiss and cuddle, but not to be too intimate with,” he says.

When asked if he was more open about relationships at his age, he said he was more confident and wouldn’t waste time.

“If I feel there is any connection at all, I would ask a woman out on a second date. Last week I met a woman through Intro and we had a lovely dinner, so I arranged to meet her in her local town. I had a lovely time, but she wasn’t the one. But no matter, sure it was lovely to meet her and I have another dinner date next week.”

Michael admits he would be too embarrassed to ask someone local for a date in case they said no.

“I have gazed from afar at women in their late 40s and early 50s but I know I would be making a fool of myself by asking them out, so I would focus on the over 60s.”

Michael had gone for counselling after his wife passed, after a few months he felt the enormity of her loss. “I like to try new things, and I think becoming a ‘serial dater’ has helped me hugely. I think 70 is the new 50,” he laughs.

For Michael, meeting someone he connected with, and was able to get to the stage where he would have sex with them, would be like winning the lotto.

Ann is 71 and became a widow when her children were young. She is a vivacious and intelligent woman and a few years ago completed her English degree at university. Ann would like to meet a man in the same age group as herself, who is positive and caring. She says she wants a man to add to her life, who she can learn something from.

She hasn’t been proactive about a personal advert and says agencies cost too much. Ann goes to the cinema by herself but theatre and restaurants are more of an event and she would like company.

Ann says getting into an intimate relationship again would depend on what the man is like. “‘The things I want to avoid are men who drink too much, are self-centred or pessimistic,” she explains.

I don’t know if Ann’s approach to dating is any different to her attitude years ago. She is confident and open — but now she has time to devote to herself.

I know the cliché, ‘With age comes wisdom’, but I never thought I would be learning about attitudes to sex from a septuagenarian. But learn I did.

At any age we need to be aware of what we need socially, romantically and sexually. Being upfront from the beginning is something we all should do.

With each passing decade less and less topics become taboo, and maybe now we need to throw open dating, relationships and sex for people in their 70s to public debate as well.