My boyfriend wants to play the field while staying with me

Q: My boyfriend says he is not ready to settle down and says he wants to play the field while staying in a relationship with me.

I love him deeply and am not sure what to do. Give him his freedom and he’ll come back eventually or cut loose and find another partner who is prepared to make a commitment? I am 28 years old and would like to have a family. What do you think?

A: As the old song goes, ‘Perhaps, perhaps, perhaps…’

Your boyfriend wants a relationship with you while at the same time going out with other girls. He really wants jam on it. His decision firmly puts you in the part-time girlfriend category.

You are an adult woman and are moving on in your life journey. As you grew your sexual interests and values emerged. Like so many other women, a monogamous relationship and children are part of your core values.

But life can complicate our plans. At the moment you are in a relationship and feel you love your partner very much, so much so that you want to be with him in a committed relationship. This is a choice. At this point in your relationship, your need is greater than his. You have fallen for him. You sense you have a strong bond and would like the relationship to grow and go deeper.

In the beginning a relationship goes through the infatuation phase. This intense time can’t last. It moves to an attachment. You met him, you were going out and obviously as time went by you began to think of a future with a family.

As this happened was he aware of the way you were thinking? Did you both share your thoughts about the future of the relationship? Or are you holding a hope that isn’t realistic?!

I am concerned how it might be if you just wait. It could turn out to be ‘waiting for Godot’. Your boyfriend is not putting any value on you. He might be hoping to meet someone better. Or he could be one of these people who is incapable of making a decision.

Then he could be a man who constantly loves the chase. Men such this love the highs and can’t cope with something longterm and don’t put a value on commitment. They feel hemmed in.

I think you have to step back and think about your goals and your values. Is there space to repair the hurt? You must be hurt by his attitude. What do you think when you know he is with someone else instead of you? What is he looking for by going outside of the relationship?

I urging you to think about your own life and plans. This man is not giving you intimacy. You have to take charge of your life and don’t sit waiting.

Make a new life for yourself. Do things with friends. Enjoy yourself. Leave yourself free to meet someone else. Don’t live with a fantasy. If you do you will be the one who will suffer the most hurt. Don’t let him break your heart.

- Marie Daly is psychosexual counsellor.

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