Moment of madness with older man not worth pursuing

Q. I worked as an au pair in France when I was 18 years old.

I was very attracted to the father in the house but kept my feelings to myself. One afternoon when his wife and children were away, he came into my room and started kissing and fondling me. Though I was thrilled with the attention, I told him he had to stop. Afterwards we pretended that nothing had happened though I was constantly fantasising about him.

I’ve been in touch on and off with his wife since leaving four years ago and have just heard they have split up. I am torn between letting him get on with his life and sending an email to say I still feel deeply for him.

What do you think?

A. You were far away from home and, with little to distract you, monsieur became the focus of your attention. He was quick to make the most of the opportunity.

Though he was married with children your fleeting relationship bypassed the rational process. It no doubt seemed like an adventure to you.

I wonder if you were you able to develop a social life for yourself during this time? In a foreign country sometimes it is difficult to meet people and make friends. Being an au pair can be lonely and the hours can be long. Your life in France revolved around this family.

So, as you took time out in the house when the mother and children were out, the father made direct sexual advances.

His behaviour broke important boundaries. He came to your room, which was your personal space. He made a choice to do this. He was betraying his wife in their shared home. He knew well what he was up to.

You found his interest exciting. At the time neither of you were thinking of the consequences until you called a halt. Life with the family continued but, no doubt it was awkward for you both.

You bridged the reality gap by fantasising about him. However, in fairness to yourself you never pursued it any further. And the father took your ‘no’ seriously.

Having finished with the family you continued with your life. With occasional contact with his wife you now know they have separated. All the old feelings have resurfaced and you are in a spin.

It sounds that at the time you felt you were ‘falling in love’ with this man. It is all too easy to forget ourselves and step off a cliff into the unknown. We fall out of our normal roles and feel exhilarated with the special one.

At the time this man was not free to pursue a relationship but he has continued to haunt you.

I think you are torn because of your own feelings. You know nothing about him, where he is or what he is doing. You don’t know what caused the separation.

Your thoughts about him are built around a moment of madness. If you had been on his mind for the last four years, he would have contacted you.

If you get in touch he may not respond. If he does, then what do you do? Run off to France to be with a man you know nothing about. Can you trust him? How many other women did he approach while married?

You are 22 and I hope enjoying your life, don’t do something impulsive because of a fantasy. You will be the one who will be hurt.

Marie Daly is a psychosexual therapist with Relationships Ireland; visit www.relationshipsirleland.com.

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