Penis size will not determine pleasure of sexual encounter

Q. I am a single heterosexual male aged 22.

I have never had sex, mostly because I am very self-conscious about the size of my penis — it’s very small, though I’m average height. I’ve thought of surgery but I’m frightened that things may go wrong. I know it shouldn’t matter but it does. What do you think?

A. First let’s explode the myth. It isn’t penis size that will determine the pleasure of a sexual encounter. It’s the physical interaction along with the caring, sharing and communication involved that add up to good sex.

Traditionally men have been described using terms such as powerful, strong, independent and unemotional. The emphasis is on physical appearance, behaviour and competitiveness. There is also the persistent notion that size is related to a man’s masculinity.

I am not going to get into a debate what masculinity means, but want to point to the narrowness of popular myths, which excludes many, many men.

Nowadays advertising bombards us with the message that sex sells. This can be anything from fashion to a deodorant. Also, sadly, the area of body image is a big part of the mix, traditionally a concern for women, but increasingly so for men.

Our thoughts and feelings about ourselves is our self-concept. And we often construct a vision of ourselves in the future when we become the man or woman we would like to be, or our ideal self. The belief is if we develop into the person we would like to be, then our self-esteem is enhanced. All this is tied into how you think you might be sexually.

The size and shape of the erect penis varies from one man to another. A smaller penis usually swells up more than a larger one, so both will be about the same size when erect.

The blood vessels in the penis swell with blood and become hard, and because the root of the penis is several centimetres inside the body, the erect penis stands out from it. Remember too, you are looking down on your penis, which makes it look smaller.

You talk about the option of surgery. But there are no guarantees that things will be better after an operation. In many cases, expectations are not met. The same can happen with cosmetic surgery, when women are unhappy with the outcome.

I spoke with one young man where something went wrong during surgery to enlarge his penis. He was angry that he had such limited sexual knowledge. Because of shame, he felt there was no one he could talk to.

Surgery, in my opinion, is not the answer when the difficulty is to do with self-esteem and image. As a first option, it is best if you talk to psychosexual therapist. This will help you get to the core of how you feel as a man.

I wonder how it might be if you started dating, but without an emphasis on sex. Enjoy just doing things you both like. If you do move onto sex remember penile size is not what gives a partner sexual satisfaction — it comes from the whole experience.

True sex appeal is a combination of looks and other qualities such as personality and a sense of humour. Take the first step and give yourself the chance to find out.

* Marie Daly is a psychosexual therapist with Relationships Ireland; visit www.relationshipsirleland.com.

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