Drunken attack has taken the spark out of our sex life

¦ I was attacked two years ago on my way home from work.

The man was drunk and luckily I was able to get away before he sexually assaulted me.

I was deeply shocked by the incidence and it was a long time before I could have sex again with my partner. But the spark and spontaneity is gone from our sex life. What do you suggest?

>> Your attack was trauma. This is a shock following a terrifying situation for you. You went into self-protective mode and managed to flee from the awful attack. Some people freeze.

It is important to know that long after the real danger has gone the traumatised mind continues to respond as if the threat is still there.

This man was drunk — in one US study at least 45% of rapists were found to be under the influence of drugs or alcohol (RAINN statistics-1999).

It’s understandable that sex with your partner has changed. You are mentally distancing from your body when being sexual.

In the attack you were powerless and didn’t have control over your own body. Now you have to learn to feel safe, be in control and become empowered. This is the opposite of what happened to you.

Hyper-vigilance often follows a trauma. The first step is to think about feeling safe. Your partner is the loving one but there may be triggers that close you down. A certain touch could flood you with disturbing memories. Perhaps the smell of alcohol could be a trigger.

Talk to him and go on this journey together. He needs to know what it is like for you and that he supports your goals. Your priority is to get back to being comfortable having sex with him.

Where you two have sex should be safe and pleasing to your senses. You create this ambience for yourself. It is important that you be in control.

Choose what you like — candles, perfumes, music and so on. For a time take control in sex so that you get your power back and feel safe. You should also learn how to soothe yourself. This is particularly helpful when unwanted memories invade you.

Breathing deeply into your stomach and staying with the breath is one such technique but will require practice. If thoughts come in just go back to your breath.

Positive self-talk is useful as is calming imagery. If your breathing is under control you can talk to yourself with a clear mind.

It is important that you take care of yourself. Gentle activities like yoga or having a massage are ideal. You need to experience something comforting in your body. They will in turn help you be more positive about sex.

In life if we expect negative reactions we will get them. If you look to pleasure, satisfaction and connection to your partner you will begin to counteract your negative reactions.

To get to a better place you two should do things you like together. Enjoy a nice meal. Take a walk and be aware of all that is around you. These are dates where you are staying with your senses. Don’t be hard on yourself. Take your time, relax together and enjoy yourselves.

If it continues to be too difficult both of you should talk to a psychosexual therapist.

¦ Marie Daly is a psychosexual therapist with Relationships Ireland; visit www.relationshipsirleland.com.

Please send your questions to: [e-mail]