We are both working with two kids but I need more passion

Take a weekend night out at home. Don’t get caught up in the list of chores and plan to have the kids in bed early.

¦ I’ve been married for ten years and our sex life has become mechanical. We have two young children and both work full-time. Of course we are tired a lot of the time but I need a bit more passion. I sometimes feel as if life is passing me by.

>>> Everything is getting in the way of your sexual intimacy. Look at your busy lives.

Where is the space for you and your husband? The opportunity and then the desire for sex has gotten less and less. Sex is no longer a priority. Is it any wonder that when you do have it, it has become mechanical and boring.

Think about food as a comparison — if we had the same menu all of the time, it would quickly lose its appeal.

At this stage you are probably taking each other for granted. It sounds as if your days are full and you find little time to talk to each other. Then you expect to hop into bed and have passionate sex. Think about when things began to change.

I am taking it that in your early days together, sex was good. So gradually the sex became quick and you were both left unsatisfied. You, I think are now resentful.

Romance should be valued as part of your adult, loving relationship. Keeping it alive can be fun and rewarding. Think about how to do this. Courting each other is a good way. Time together as a couple reinforces the value of the intimate relationship.

We all need to love and be loved. Sex fits here because it is one of the ways of showing love. Sex is communication and is about giving and receiving. You need to think about how sex is managed in your house. You are entitled to your own time and you need to develop a way to manage this.

The first place to start is finding time to connect. Remember the fun you had talking and being with each other when you fell in love. Life was great, especially with your partner, and this created the setting for good sex. But, I can hear you say it is not like this now. So you need to make time for just the two of you.

Don’t make plans with friends or family. Take a weekend night. One of you looks after the children while the other relaxes. Then swop. Don’t get caught up in the list of chores, then plan to have the children in bed early. Get a take away or heat something up. There should be no cleaning or tidy up. This is a date to reconnect and talk. It is important that there are no phones or emails. Have something fun to watch while you relax and let the children fully settle down.

Then move into touching each other, kissing and cuddling. Talk about what you like and how to make this fun sexually. The time planned for you to be together is giving you both a message that you are important.

You are making your emotional and sexual intimacy a priority despite the stress of your busy life. We are talking about eros, and above all it ought to be playful and fun.

Marie Daly is a psychosexual therapist with Relationships Ireland; visit www.relationshipsirleland.com.

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