Diversity works without conflict

Parenting styles vary, but a couple can work this to their favour, says Helen O’Callaghan.

Growing up, you did your homework the minute you got in from school. As a boy, your husband played outside and blew off the cobwebs before settling down to lessons.

In his house, family meals were important; in yours, not so much. He’s got a more laissez-faire approach to parenting, you’re stricter.

The parenting values you bring from your family of origin may differ from your partner’s but don’t worry about this, says family mediator Fiona McAuslan.

“The idea of having two parents is that children can benefit from both styles. Look at your differences as giving you more choice.”

McAuslan believes parenting styles can really clash around managing behaviour.

“It’s where there are tricky choices and it’s where you really need to get on the same page. If one parent is naturally more into discipline and the other isn’t, it’s not the end of the world. Sit down and talk it out.

“Get past ‘I think it should be this way’. Instead, ask each other, ‘what’s important to you about this issue? What is the discipline aimed at?’ or ‘What do you hope the children will get from the laissez-faire approach?’”

As parents, we all have strengths that can be excessive. Mum may be good at keeping the line but her partner’s influence might bring a softer approach when that’s called for. If Mum’s insisting that Johnny eats all of his dinner, Dad might say to Johnny: ‘come on, do the best you can, your mum would like you to grow big and strong’. In an aside to Mum, he might say: ‘He’s not going to manage it – can we soften it a little?’ And Mum might then say to Johnny: ‘Dad and I have had a chat. I’d really like you to finish your dinner but I can see you’re struggling’.

“Children need to see that both parents can negotiate and that parents are listening to them. Children can cope with diversity. What they can’t cope with is high conflict. It’s best not to argue in front of them but, if it happens, resolve it in front of them, too.”

It’s important for parents to talk regularly. Ask: How do you think things are going? Do you think we’re getting it right?

DIFFERENT VIEW

¦ See your differences, not as battleground, but as giving more variety to your parenting.

¦ Take time to review how things are going, including what you find stressful.

¦ Keep a child focus — what’s my child getting from the way I behave towards them?

¦ You can’t change your children’s parents. There’s nothing to be gained falling out with the co-parent.