You’re right to feel angry at partner viewing internet porn

¦ I’m angry. I came home early from a night out with my friends and found my partner watching porn on the internet.

He said it was only a bit of fun but for me it is a total degradation of women. I am finding it hard to forgive him and sex is certainly off the agenda.

>> Porn is now so readily available on the internet that for many it’s seen as commonplace. But for you this is plainly not so.

When you went into a relationship with your partner sex was probably good and I imagine you presumed that your relationship was healthy and intimate, loving, exclusive and respectful. The discovery that he watches porn has come as a shock and may even seem like an affair.

When you saw the pictures you were shocked, seeing them as degrading to women. He was surprised by your reaction and probably never intended to hurt you. Porn for him is about what is happening on the screen and has little to do with your relationship. This perception is common to many men.

It is a fantasy world. And, as he said, only a bit of fun. But to you the cybersex images portray women as objects.

The feelings that follow this situation are indeed very strong and don’t underestimate them. Some women feel their partner’s interest in porn means they don’t find them attractive and that sexually they are not good enough.

When we are distressed thoughts tend to jump all over the place and it’s easy to begin to doubt yourself. At this point, it makes sense that you don’t want to be sexual with him.

In couple counselling we meet a problem such as yours from time to time. What is important is that the discovery changes the relationship.

Secret behaviour has come out about your partner that is going to your core. You may question whether you ever really knew him.

You mention forgiveness. This is hard to do when it seems that trust is broken. He may promise to stop. But will you find yourself policing him? Or he may say it is only occasional and doing no harm. If he says this he doesn’t understand why you are so deeply hurt.

Remember pornography is about non-relational sex. Researchers Levant and Brooks (1997) define this as: ‘The tendency to experience sex primarily as lust without any requirement for relational intimacy or emotional attachment’.

So then how can the relationship move forward? It will be hard to resolve this on your own. Before it becomes a bigger problem in your relationship I would urge you both to seek help.

The best place to start would be to talk to a relationship counsellor.

¦ Marie Daly is a psychosexual therapist with Relationships Ireland; visit www.relationshipsirleland.com.

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