Since his job set-back my husband is sullen and unattractive

¦ I no longer find my husband attractive. When we met, first he was fit and doing very well in his career.

A year ago, he got sidelined at work and was asked to take a wage cut. It’s had a big impact on him. He no longer works out in the gym and he’s become withdrawn.

We have sex about every second week, but I feel like I am going through the motions. We are both in our early 30s and have no children.

>> It seems your difficulties started when your husband’s work changed.

His job probably defined how he saw himself. Like so many people at his stage in life, he was caught up in his career. Then, he got a knock and the trauma has affected him deeply.

I imagine he probably had dreams of moving on in his career and that his prospects were good. Now he feels he is nobody and this has impacted greatly on the relationship.

You mention he is withdrawn and doesn’t look after himself as he did in the past. This is concerning, as he might be showing the signs of depression.

So much has changed in a year. When you got married, I am sure you both had expectations about how your marriage might be. Life was good. You had hopes for the future and sex was important and meaningful. Your lifestyle was probably based on work, and, no doubt, on the lifestyle many lived before the recession hit.

This is different now and it is hard to accept. There is an air of negativity and you, in your circumstances, are part of the fallout. No doubt you share an underlying friendship but this is now really being challenged. He has withdrawn, probably in despair. This distance is causing you to question can this relationship go on.

You are frustrated with the change in him and you are also aware of his vulnerability, but you two are not working as a team to manage his withdrawal and distress.

You both need to talk and it is important that you confront his distance.

First you should think about yourself and the impact on you. Look at what are the losses for you emotionally.

Then, think how you have been with him in the last year. Both of you have probably been in denial about the impact of his work situation on the relationship. And so you go through the motions sexually, without enjoyment or connection. I think this is just a symptom of how this relationship is slowly going downhill.

However, you are not alone. Many Irish couples are going through difficult times due to work and financial pressures.

It is not too late for your relationship. I understand it is difficult, at the moment, and it really might help to talk this through with a relationship counsellor.

You are both young and set out on a journey together, and you can make it work if you have the will.

Marie Daly is a psychosexual therapist with Relationships Ireland; visit www.relationshipsirleland.com.

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