Grieving for my dad, I’m neglecting my boyfriend
Turning up for work is about all I can do. I feel tired all the time and have lost interest in sex. My partner of five years is understanding, but says our zero sex life is getting him down. I am afraid he will leave me. I am 31.
Losing a loved one to sudden death is particularly difficult. You didn’t have the chance to say goodbye to your Dad and are really missing him. You may feel numb, with life having little meaning.
Logically, you know he is gone, but it may take time to really accept the loss and then to adapt to life without him.
At times, it may seem you are going around in circles. After all, your father has been part of your life since you were born.
Sometimes, you will be able to let go of the loss, but nobody knows how long that will take. Remember, the death of someone close is considered to be the highest stressor.
Your memories are your own and very important. Nobody is asking you to forget what your Dad meant to you.
How can your relationship with your partner become important in your life again? He is very supportive, and was a comfort when the loss happened and is continuing to be so.
But now he wants to get back with the person he loves.
I think the first thing is to talk to him about how awful it is, and to let him know that you really love him. Start by going out together on dates.
It is important that you feel free to talk about your Dad. Then, as you build up your time together, get back to simple, affectionate touching. Perhaps you may feel guilty if you start to enjoy yourself.
If both of you take your time, it will get easier to be affectionate and loving. Getting out and taking easy exercise together will help your energy levels. Also, try to enjoy sharing meals.
So then, how to get back to sex? Do something nice for each other. Try your best to create a good ambience.
Take a bath or shower to relax and just spend time touching and try to stay with the feelings. Give yourself permission to let yourself enjoy being close with him again.
Don’t rush to a full sexual experience. Try and concentrate on him. He is alive and present and wants to be with you. Remember, sex can help to relieve stress.
Grieving is a process. It is difficult. You and your partner, together, can work on the relationship with a little tenderness and care.
The pain of the death is also there. But, from time to time, pause and enjoy your relationship. You will never forget your Dad.
