Sex File: His phone use is killing our love life 

Phubbing is a portmanteau of phone-snubbing, and it describes the experience of being present in the same room as someone who is so engrossed with the dross they are scrolling through on social media that you might as well be elsewhere. Picture: iStock 

My husband is in his 50s, but is as addicted to his phone as our teenagers. This annoys me all the time but especially when we're in bed. His libido seems to have gone down as his screen time has gone up and I feel like I'm fighting a losing battle for his attention. Any advice?

The situation you describe is such a common phenomenon that it has its own name. Phubbing is a portmanteau of phone-snubbing, and it describes the experience of being present in the same room as someone who is so engrossed with the dross they are scrolling through on social media that you might as well be elsewhere. 

Phubbing is annoying enough when you are having dinner, but it is particularly irritating when you are in bed together. When attention is divided, responsiveness, which is an essential ingredient for intimacy and communication, is compromised.

Unending scrolling delivers tiny repeated hits of dopamine that keep your husband's brain in a state of high arousal. Scientists use dopamine to measure the addictive potential of any experience because it motivates people to keep doing things they think will bring pleasure.

While a certain amount of phone use is inevitable when two people live together, it becomes an issue when people use them so persistently that their partners feel ignored.

The impact on your husband's libido is in line with a study conducted in 2022 at Ispa (Instituto Universitario in Lisbon), which analysed data on sexual function and problematic use of smartphones in 946 women and 235 men. 

In men, problematic smartphone use correlated with lower erectile function, lower desire, intercourse dissatisfaction, overall sexual dissatisfaction and more difficulties having orgasms. 

In women, problematic use of smartphones correlated with difficulties with lubrication, difficulties having orgasms, sexual dissatisfaction, coital pain and greater sexual distress.

When one person's behaviour is undermining the quality of a relationship and requests for change don't land, it is time to get tough. You need to set some clear boundaries and, because it is easier to go from abstinence to moderation than from excessive consumption to moderation, the first thing you need to demand is a digital detox. Even 24 hours without a phone would help to break the spell.

You also need to insist your bedroom becomes a phone-free zone. All the arguments — "I need my phone because it is my alarm clock" or "What happens if my mum/dad/son/daughter/work colleague needs to get hold of me urgently in the middle of the night" — are bogus. Buy an alarm clock and charge your phones near the bedroom so you can hear if someone calls you.

If you can get your husband to do this, two things will happen. He will sleep better — blue light from smartphones interferes with circadian rhythm — and he will rediscover his interest in sex. 

In the absence of screen-based rewards, he is more likely to reach out to his warm and willing wife in search of a healthier and more pleasurable dose of dopamine.

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