Sex File: What can I do about my partner's worrying fantasy?

It is undoubtedly your excellent sex life and your happy relationship that have given her the confidence to share her curiosity about watching you having sex with another woman

Mon, 02 Mar, 2026 - 02:00

Suzi Godson

My partner and I have been happily together for five years and have a great sex life. I've had many more partners than she has and she recently told me that she fantasises about watching me having sex with another woman. Should I be concerned?

The historic sexual "experience gap" is a red herring. You've been having sex with each other for five years, so she is now as experienced as you are.

In fact, it is undoubtedly your excellent sex life and your happy relationship that have given her the confidence to share her curiosity about watching you having sex with another woman.

It would have been good to know how, and when, she disclosed this information to you, because it makes a difference as to how it might be interpreted. If, for example, she whispered it into your ear while you were making love, it is probably safe to dismiss it as a spontaneous erotic fantasy.

If, however, she suggested it while you were having dinner or driving to the supermarket, it might be something she has been thinking about for a while. You don't say how you responded to the suggestion when she first made it. Did you laugh it off, gasp in shock or ask for every tiny detail?

The way you reacted will determine how willing she will be to share whether her disclosure is a fantasy or an aspiration. I suspect it is the former.

After five years in a relationship, sharing a sexual fantasy that involves a third party is a high-risk strategy and, in most cases, a person would test the water before making a full disclosure of voyeuristic inclinations.

They would introduce it as an erotic fantasy during sex or might suggest watching some voyeur-themed porn or listening to some erotic audio on an app like Dipsea or Ferly. Judging their partner's response to entry-level content would clarify whether or not they might be open to exploring the real thing.

Unless you have missed previous hints, your girlfriend doesn't seem to have done any preparatory work, and that increases the likelihood she has simply shared a private fantasy she has been using to boost her levels of sexual arousal.

Anything that feels sexually taboo or risky increases adrenaline levels, which in turn speeds up your heart rate and increases blood flow — physiological markers that are identical to the early stages of sexual climax.

Some women — and this may be where your girlfriend's lack of sexual experience comes into play — feel uneasy about keeping sexual fantasies to themselves. They don't want their partner to keep secrets from them and so they feel they should be transparent about their fantasies.

There are countless possible explanations for why the idea of watching you have sex with someone else turns her on. She may get off on voyeurism, or this may be an inverted fantasy, and what she is really curious about is what another woman would feel like for her rather than you.

In a loving sexual relationship, couples can safely and objectively explore all of these concepts together. You may decide you want to push your boundaries, or you may conclude you are happy to talk about fantasies as a way of heightening arousal but never want to act on them. Handled with respect and sensitivity, this process should deepen, rather than threaten, your relationship.