Sex File: Are our sex drives out of sync?

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My husband and I are just back from a trip away during which my desire rocketed, which is unusual, but he struggled to perform, so it was a bit of a letdown. On other occasions, he's been disappointed when I haven't been in the mood to make the most of him being "on form". I think we feel like we're failing each other. It's a sensitive topic. How do we get in sync?

I can understand how a couple of inexperienced teenagers may find it easier to have sex than to talk about it, but you and your husband are in your 60s, and presumably you have been married for decades. Surely you know each other well enough to be able to have a gentle and supportive conversation about your recent sexual difficulties.

The idea that either of you is failing is just so inaccurate. The truth is that the changes you are both experiencing are completely normal and age-appropriate. It is estimated that by the time a man is in his 40s, he has about a 40% chance of having some form of erectile dysfunction, and the prevalence increases by about 10% every decade. Women are no different. Research at Massachusetts General Hospital in Boston found that up to 75% of women aged 65 or older reported low libido.

All the evidence suggests that things are going to get worse, not better, so it's time you got over your "sensitivity" and talk to each other. 

If you take that risk, I promise you will discover that this is not really about sexual dysfunction, it is more likely to be about loss of confidence and fear of rejection. Although the rational you knows that your husband loves you, the vulnerable you can't help thinking that if he were more attracted to you, there wouldn't be a problem with his physical function.

Similarly, he knows you love him, but every time you say that you don't feel like having sex, he hears that you don't feel like having sex with him. Getting those fears and insecurities out in the open will take away their power. And admitting that you find it hard to talk about sex because you are afraid of what these changes really mean will give your husband permission to share his own anxieties too. Instead of feeling awkward about it, the two of you will feel liberated.

Ageing isn't always fun, but the two of you are doing it together and that is a huge privilege. As you move into this chapter, you should be doing everything you can to optimise your relationship in every way.

Getting older brings challenges, but don't be afraid to seek help. Very few couples are proactive about age-proofing their sexual relationship, but talking to a sex therapist would be a really positive step for you both. 

Putting yourselves in the hands of an experienced professional takes all the pressure off. 

Being able to speak openly about the things that you have historically found it hard to say will be transformative for both of you. Also, doing homework and reporting what you have learnt back to your therapist will build your confidence at a time when so many other couples of your age are giving up.

Rather than waiting for things to go wrong, addressing the normal physical and psychological changes that occur as you move through your 60s will ensure that you get the most out of sex for as long as you can, and that you don't end up looking back on this period in ten years' time and regretting not making more of what you had while you had it.

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