Sex File: He doesn't like me talking when we're making love 

None of this is rocket science, but for men who have been raised on a diet of porn, reciprocity, communication, consideration and even affection have nothing to do with sex.

I've always been quite clear about what I like in bed. Saying what I enjoy out loud turns me on, and previous partners have found it arousing too.

But my partner has revealed that he has always found it a bit "upsetting". When I asked how he would rather I communicate, he said he'd prefer moans rather than instructions. I'm a bit put out. How do we navigate this?

I don't know if you can, and I don't know if you should. Any man who interprets useful advice on how to ensure his sexual partner's enjoyment as "a bit upsetting" has so much to learn that I'm not sure I could, hand on heart, advise you to persist with the relationship.

His naivety in asking you to communicate using moans rather than "instructions" is staggering. How did he expect you to respond? "Oh, OK. I'll just ignore 100,000 years of evolution and revert to preverbal forms of communication"?

It is obvious that he has been educated by the porn industry. Real women don't communicate using moans, they use words. If they didn't, the so-called orgasm gap would be even bigger than it is. Between 2015 and 2023, the Kinsey Institute collected survey data from 24,752 adults across the US and found that men's orgasm rates ranged from 70 to 85%, while women's ranged from 46 to 58%.

When it comes to sexual pleasure, orgasm is not the be-all and end-all, but it is a quantifiable indicator of the kind of gendered sexual inequity that can only be countered by women having the confidence to ask for what they want.

And what do women want? Well, there is no universal recipe for female sexual satisfaction, but I think it is safe to say that the majority need a lot more than an erect penis in their vagina. In 2017, a large US study of 52,588 people examined how different traits or behaviours were associated with frequency of orgasm.

The study found that the women who had the most orgasms were the ones who were - wait for it - able to ask for what they wanted in bed. Other important factors were the inclusion of oral sex, longer-lasting sex, trying new positions, expressing love during sex and being generally satisfied with their relationship.

None of this is rocket science, but for men who have been raised on a diet of porn, reciprocity, communication, consideration and even affection have nothing to do with sex. This is not a new problem. In 2014, a study of male college students at New York University found that 99.5% used porn for masturbation and that the consumption of pornography was associated with decreased enjoyment with a real-life partner.

Basically, when porn becomes the preferred sexual script, it influences real-world expectations and so women who actually talk, as opposed to moan, become a distraction.

In your longer letter, you say your partner has had less long-term relationship experience than you. I suspect the reason is because the majority of women cannot be arsed to educate an adult male on how to have sex. If you are prepared to make that effort, you need to explain to him that what you are going to say to him is not a conversation, it is an education.

Talk to him about the different ways that men and women experience sex in the context of gender equality, cultural history and social norms. Explain to him that because every woman is different, communication is actually the most effective form of foreplay. Ultimately, if he can't handle any of that, I would do what all his other girlfriends have done.

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