Sex File: We only make love once a month and I'm starting to resent my wife

Every so often we discuss it and have great sex — then it's back to usual. Picture: iStock 

My wife and I are in our late 30s, healthy and childfree. Our sex life used to be frequent and intimate. In recent years I'm lucky if it's once a month. I try to initiate but am often rejected; she never initiates. Every so often we discuss it and have great sex — then it's back to usual. Our marriage is otherwise cohesive. How do I handle the building resentment?

There is no right or wrong amount of sex. The only useful gauge is whether both partners are happy with their sexual relationship. However, because people perpetually lie about the amount of sex they have there are lots of misconceptions about what constitutes "normal". In your particular context, knowing what other "average" people get up to may help you both to view your sex life a little more objectively.

To get an accurate understanding of how often couples typically have sex you need to look at how sexual frequency is reported in studies that involve large population samples. Although 12 years old, the third National Survey of Sexual Attitudes and Lifestyles study, based on data from 15,162 men and women aged 16-74 in Britain, is a good place to start.

The Natsal studies are conducted every ten years, so they show how sexual behaviour has changed over time, and when it comes to sexual frequency the overall trend is downwards. Since the first Natsal survey was completed in 1991 the median number of times that individuals are reported as having sex in the past month has fallen from four to two among women aged 35-44 and from four to three among men of the same age. 

A low-sex, as opposed to a no-sex, relationship is generally considered to be one in which sex happens less than ten times a year, so you and your wife are not quite there yet, but for a healthy couple in their 30s who don't have children your sexual frequency is below what might be expected.

You've tried talking to your wife about how the absence of sex in your relationship makes you feel but it hasn't led to meaningful change. Every time you have brought up the subject you've been rewarded with sex but then things have reverted. When repeated attempts to change a specific behaviour keep leading to the same unwanted outcome, a different approach is required. 

The best way to figure out how to get someone to respond differently is to think about it from their perspective. Put yourself in her shoes and you may see that talking about your growing resentment at the lack of sex makes her feel guilty enough to reconnect once but does nothing to address whatever it is that stops her wanting sex at other times.

Next time you discuss this include the fact that you are having less sex than most couples of your age, but rather than focusing on how that makes you feel, ask her what she thinks about the cohesiveness of your relationship and sex life. Ask the question, then really listen. Resist the urge to fill silences. You've made your case, give her space to make hers.

It may have nothing to do with sex. She may have a low libido or be struggling with early menopause. She may want more intimacy and romance. She may want more attention paid to her orgasm and less focus on penetrative sex, which often doesn't deliver the same rewards for women as for men. She may want domestic equity, or children. When you understand the gap between her experience and yours, you'll be able to figure out the next steps to take. 

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