Sex File: Should I be worried about my husband's old flame?

"I doubt you have read the latest research on sexual nostalgia but if you had, you might be forgiven for feeling a little threatened."

My husband was recently contacted by an old girlfriend when she and her husband, who have lived abroad for years, were back home. We all met up, and I was happy for him to have this nostalgia rush from his teens, but since then his interest in sex has markedly ramped up. I'm enjoying it but am slightly unnerved. Am I wrong to feel a bit threatened?

I doubt you have read the latest research on sexual nostalgia but if you had, you might be forgiven for feeling a little threatened. It is a fairly niche research area, but a 2020 study at York University in Ontario identified that sexual nostalgia over former romantic partners is often triggered by loneliness or dissatisfaction with a relationship. Instinctively, that makes sense. When the here and now fails to deliver, we have a tendency to reminisce about former lovers. Somehow we always remember the good bits and the great sex while conveniently forgetting the terrible behaviour and the break-ups.

Thinking about sex with an old flame can be a turn-on. In the study, sexual nostalgia about an ex-partner was linked to sexual arousal for about one in ten participants, and a greater number said that it was a way of filling gaps in their relationships - for example, the absence of sexual variety, or sexual experiences that were no longer available to them. Although the headline findings were a bit bleak, buried in the study's appendix was a stat that showed that 40% of participants said they didn't miss former sexual partners at all because "they were pleased with the partner they have".

That your husband is having more rather than less sex with you suggests that he is firmly in the 40% category. Plus, let's face it, as you say (in your longer letter), you are in your 50s and your husband's teenage sweetheart will be nearly 60 now too, which makes her a very old flame indeed. He is probably flattered that she contacted him and he may wonder whether she has been holding a candle for him throughout her marriage, but I very much doubt that his renewed interest in sex is fuelled by a secret desire for her.

Rather than feel threatened by the situation, I think you should capitalise on it. Meeting his old flame and the nostalgia rush that it has generated has clearly been good for him. It has probably reminded him of who he once was and given him a bit of an ego boost. It may have helped him to reframe how he sees himself now. He isn't just a married man. He is a man with a rich relational hinterland who has not been forgotten by former lovers.

Memory is a powerful aphrodisiac, so exploring your long-shared history with each other has huge erotic potential. After decades of marriage and the humdrum of middle-aged day-to-day, it's very easy to forget how brave and strong and beautiful you both were when you met, so get your old photos and videos out and turn back time together. Seeing yourselves as you were at the beginning of your relationship will start all sorts of interesting conversations about the crazy things you did and the amazing sex you had. 

Bringing your sexual past to life will remind you of the strength and durability of the sexual relationship you have with each other in the present. It will erase any doubts about what is driving your husband's renewed sexual vigour and anchor his increased desire firmly within the relationship he has with you.

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