Sex File: He feels more like a housemate than a lover

Suzi Godson: "The gulf between you might have started as a tiny crack which neither of you addressed."

My husband and I had a great sex life when we first met 13 years ago but now feel more like housemates or colleagues. 

I don't doubt he loves me, but I can't remember the last time I felt desired by him, which makes it hard for me to imagine desiring him again either. Is it possible to recover the spark once it's been completely lost?

You don't doubt that your husband loves you, but you do doubt that he desires you sexually. 

And because you don't believe that he is sexually attracted to you, you can't imagine wanting to have sex with him either. 

You are at an impasse and although you seem to believe your husband is responsible, deteriorating sexual relationships are rarely one person's fault.

The gulf between you might have started as a tiny crack which neither of you addressed. What's typical is that a row, which left both people feeling hurt or misunderstood, was never resolved, and it chipped away at the connection. Where once daily pressures were a reason for having restorative, soporific sex, the distance can turn them into an excuse not to have sex at all. Weekly sex becomes fortnightly, then monthly, and the crack becomes a fissure.

Not having sex may have become an unhelpful way of trying to tell each other that you were not happy, that you felt unloved. To build a bridge back to intimacy, you need to work with rather than against each other, and that means talking about how you got to where you are. 

"Why don't we have sex any more?" is not an easy conversation to have, especially if you are trying to avoid blame, but setting some ground rules can help. 

Make sure there is time, space and privacy before you attempt to start the conversation. Preface it by saying that this is no one's fault. It is something that happens to lots of couples and if you work together, you can change it.

Don't ignore the positive. Talk about the life you have built together and the future you hope to have. 

Talking about achievements rather than failures will remind you both that you still love each other, and that is fundamental to restoring your sexual connection. 

Sometimes it helps to talk about what would happen if you couldn't make this marriage work. Contemplating a life alone and beginning again with someone else reminds you both that marriage is a voluntary union. You are autonomous individuals who could, if you wanted to, choose someone else, but you chose each other. 

You ask if you can recover the sexual spark. That makes desire sound rather intangible, something that you have no control over. In reality, in long-term relationships sexual desire is a decision. 

You choose whether to light the match or blow it out. Often, just getting everything out in the open is enough to ignite the flame, but if that doesn't work, get some professional help.

A couples therapist will help you to improve your relationship, which will, in turn, improve your sex life. A sex therapist will help you to improve your sex life, which will, in turn, improve your relationship. You fundamentally like each other, and neither of you has one foot out of the marriage, so it might only take ten sessions to turn things around, but the benefits will last you a lifetime.

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