Sex File: Could our make-up lovemaking become toxic? 

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My boyfriend and I have been together for several happy years, but have hit our first rocky patch lately. Various outside stressors (unwell parents - mine; unemployment - him) have caused us to argue more than normal. We have tried going to couples' counselling, but what has felt more helpful to me has been having (quite charged) "make-up sex" after an argument. 

It means we don't always address things with a proper conversation, or actually talk things through, but is that a problem if ultimately we feel connected again at the end of the day? Could it develop into a toxic cycle where we "fix" arguments with sex without actually addressing things?

You are right to be aware of emerging patterns related to conflict resolution, but sex is a valid form of communication and it has an almost unparalleled power to increase intimacy and alleviate stress, something that both of you desperately need right now. 

As long as you are both equally up for it and one of you isn't agreeing to sex as a way of pacifying the other, I wouldn't overthink it.

You don't specify what you are arguing about, but given what is going on in your lives, I imagine that money and time are probably your most pressing issues. Money is a perennial source of conflict and it often has a subtext that relates to value. The higher earner has more power. The lower earner has less self-worth. Time, too, has a subtext related to value. The person who is busier spends less time with their partner and that leaves them feeling undervalued and unappreciated.

Talking about the subtext and the associated feelings is more helpful than talking about the headline, but cutting to the chase and having intense make-up sex is, I suspect, just as effective at making both parties feel better.

Arguments are endemic in romantic relationships, so it is not so much what you argue about as how you argue about it that matters. Contempt, hostile criticism, belligerence, denial and withdrawal will undermine relationships. Whereas affection, respect, trust, support and making your partner feel valued will strengthen a relationship. When you have sex, you communicate all those good things without using words, and in the postcoital afterglow, when you are both flooded with endorphins, it is much easier to talk about tough things. Thrashing issues out in conversation alone isn't impossible, but sex creates a sense of connection, openness and warmth towards one another that can make things feel less difficult to tackle.

It is true that not all problems are solvable. According to the American psychologist John Gottman, 69% of arguments are perpetual, which means they can never really be resolved. Perpetual problems relate to differences in personality - for example, if one partner is spontaneous and the other plans everything; one is an introvert, the other an extrovert, and so on. No conversation is going to change a person's core personality, so sometimes the key is to find ways to accommodate those differences.

You and your partner may have what the Canadian psychology professor E Mavis Hetherington termed an "operatic" relationship. Operatic couples function at a level of extreme emotional arousal - think Richard Burton and Elizabeth Taylor. They are intensely attracted, attached and volatile, given to frequent fighting and passionate lovemaking.

You sound much more emotionally mature than Burton and Taylor, however. You are aware of the importance of communication and you understand that sex can't be the only way to address issues in your relationship. Right now, I'd say that is enough.

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