Sex File: Becoming a dad has killed my libido — I can't talk to my friends about it

Suzi Godson: "We now have a better idea of how long it takes for testosterone levels to recover in new fathers." Picture: iStock 

Is it normal for men to lose interest in sex after having a baby? Our first child is almost six months old and my (gorgeous) wife is up for getting things back on track, but I'm the one whose libido has disappeared. I can't talk to my friends about this because they have the opposite problem.

There are a million different reasons sex stops being a priority when you have a small baby. Lack of sleep, fear, feeling excluded from the intensity of the mother-baby dyad, overwhelm, and existential angst can all have a negative impact on libido. But what you are experiencing is Mother Nature's incredibly clever way of helping you to be a better husband and a better dad.

Most people are aware that having a baby causes significant hormonal shifts in women, but over the past 25 years, research has explored how parenthood affects men's hormones. 

In 2001, a study at Queen's University in Ontario measured testosterone levels in men attending antenatal classes with their pregnant partners. 

The tests, which were conducted before and after the babies were born, established that the men's testosterone levels dropped significantly after the birth. 

Ten years later, a longitudinal study by a team of researchers at Northwestern University in the US and the University of San Carlos in the Philippines confirmed that becoming a father led to a sharp decline in testosterone - and found a link between lower testosterone levels and higher paternal involvement in childcare.

The consensus is that the drop in male testosterone levels after childbirth is a natural biological adjustment that helps men to shift their priorities and synchronise with the needs of their partners when a child arrives. 

That's obviously a good thing, but because so little attention is paid to the male experience of childbirth, and since men are typically less likely to talk to each other about how they feel, this natural and extremely temporary phenomenon creates unnecessary anxiety. And a man who worries about not feeling ready to resume sexual activity raises his levels of the stress hormone cortisol, which further inhibits testosterone levels.

Fortunately, we now have a better idea of how long it takes for testosterone levels to recover in new fathers. In 2021, a study at the University of Massachusetts measured testosterone levels in 225 first-time fathers at three points: in the third trimester of their partner's pregnancy, three months after the baby was born and when the infant was nine to 10 months old. 

The results showed that testosterone levels begin to rebuild when infants are about three months old. Researchers hypothesised that by ten months, a full testosterone recovery coincides with the restoration of sexual interaction.

What that means is that even if you do nothing, this issue is likely to resolve itself in the next few months. In the meantime, prioritising intimacy, sensuality, and communication will keep you connected, and if your wife's hormones are surging, intercourse is obviously not the only way to satisfy her sexual needs. 

Be creative, be patient and be open. Hopefully, this is a time-limited problem. 

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