Sex File: How do I tell him he's a bad kisser?

Learning to kiss together is a really fun idea and it opens up the opportunity for bilateral feedback. 

I recently started a new relationship and overall it is going well. I enjoy his company, we have lots in common, and the sex is good - but he is a bad kisser. 

Maybe other women would like his style, but for me it is too tentative and gentle.

We are otherwise very compatible in bed, but it's becoming a turn-off. How on earth can I address it?

To acquire any new skill, humans need three things: access to relevant information and instruction, the opportunity to practise and consistent and constructive feedback. 

When these ingredients are in place, any curious human can master new skills, and learning to kiss is no exception.

Because kissing is such an important first step in any romantic relationship, the internet is awash with guidance. 

The well-known MasterClass series even has an article on how to French kiss. 

Obviously, getting your partner to do any of this requires you to first pluck up the courage to tell him that you don't feel the kissing is clicking for either of you. 

How you frame this will determine how it lands. I would suggest presenting it as an opportunity for shared learning rather than an individual criticism.

Ask if he would be willing to do a little homework with you. Be kind, be humorous and be willing to share responsibility. Remember, your 'weird' is his 'normal' and for all you know, the same may be true in reverse. 

Learning to kiss together is a really fun idea and it opens up the opportunity for bilateral feedback. 

You will get the chance to honestly tell each other what feels good - and you will get to have lots of lovely practice sessions. 

Your goal here is to get to a place where you feel he kisses in a way that is more acceptable to your tastes, but the process of trying to improve the way you kiss each other will improve your relationship in many other ways as well by encouraging open communication. 

Knowing that you can work together to solve problems, that you can navigate challenges with humour and enthusiasm, that you are triers, not quitters - all of these things will strengthen your emotional bond and build trust.

If you don't feel able to address this issue directly, you may find the way he kisses changes with time anyway. 

Humans instinctively mirror each other's behaviour; it's a way of forging connection and making other people feel comfortable. 

Research has shown that couples who are in relationships mirror each other's body language, facial expressions, breathing patterns and even kissing style. 

Over time, partners adjust to each other's rhythm, pressure and timing without needing to talk about it. 

In this way, simply kissing your partner more might help to make it more pleasurable over time. 

You can encourage this by rewarding the types of kissing that you like, and withdrawing when you are less enthusiastic about what he is doing.

Mirroring is a powerful phenomenon, so his technique should hopefully improve as you get to know each other. 

If it doesn't, you will either need to address it more directly or figure out if he is definitely the right partner for you. 

Not enjoying kissing is not an automatic indicator of incompatibility, but it is such an intimate aspect of any romantic relationship that if it turns you off, it may at some point become a deal-breaker.

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