The 12 rows of Christmas: how to navigate seasonal stresses together

Festive season hype starts to build from December 1, often leading to tension and arguments within families. But the right psychological strategies can help keep things calm and bright

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Sky-high expectations along with demands of grandparents, in-laws and home-for-the-holidays friends — it’s all a recipe for squabbles, clashes, and wars of words over the Christmas period. 

So how can we keep our peace — and make this potentially high-stress time of year relatively angst- and argument-free?

Here’s how to tip-toe through the tricky dynamics.

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Psychotherapist Bernadette Ryan says we cannot change others — we can only change our own responses. 

“We spend a lot of energy trying to get others to do what they ‘should’ do. It can make us feel really helpless. Instead, we should ask ‘What can I do differently?’”

Why am I the only one who takes the dog out for a walk?

Instead of asking others, ask yourself: “Why am I the only one? Maybe I stepped up to it. Maybe I enjoy it.”

Acknowledge any pluses: “I get exercise, it helps me get away from family for some alone time, helps me recharge the batteries.”

But if you feel put upon, ask “How would I like to change it?” Perhaps ask your partner or family member, “Would you be willing to share the responsibility of walking the dog?” If someone takes it on, hand over that responsibility.

Or send a light-hearted text from the dog to the would-be walker: “Rover here, when are we going for that walk?

I don’t have any ‘room at the inn’, but my elderly aunt expects to be put up for the night.

Elderly people can be anxious about Christmas arrangements. Ask yourself what’s the compassionate way to deal with this.

Has your aunt always stayed the night? Or just this time? Can alternative arrangements be made so she can stay elsewhere? Perhaps a lift can be organised for her.

Make these arrangements well in advance of Christmas and communicate them gently and clearly to her.

I go to huge trouble to cook Christmas dinner yet most of it is left on the plate.

Acknowledging why you do this can be empowering. Perhaps you like to cook, or you want to provide your family with delicious food, or you feel good after you’ve cooked it.

Or are you rigidly sticking to the traditional big turkey dinner, though most of the family don’t want this? If so, maybe it’s time to let go of the fantasy and embrace change. Think about what the day’s main focus is. If it’s about coming together as a family and enjoying the company, isn’t that what’s important?

Why not ask people what they’d like to eat on Christmas Day? Could the meal be cooked in advance? Or could you delegate the work, asking guests to each bring various dishes?

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Anne Kehoe, senior clinical psychologist and president of the Psychological Society of Ireland, says when families and old friends reconnect at Christmas they can fall into old habits and patterns. 

She suggests planning in advance around potential crisis points.

“It’s helpful if couples write a list of the flashpoints ahead, whether it’s the wrapping of presents or timing of cooking. Otherwise, people vent the pressure they’re under at a hectic, demanding time — the frustration has to go somewhere.”

My old friends are back in town — can you babysit while I meet them for a drink?

Negotiate this. If your other half will be gone early in the day and then need the next day to recover, is that problematic? Or is it OK? Perhaps the hitting-the-pubs partner can meet their responsibilities before they head out?

Consider a trade-off, so the holding-the-fort partner gets time out at another point in the holiday.

My brother-in-law nearly always drinks too much

Consider the level of drinking and its effects: Does your brother-in-law become a bit boisterous? Or does his behaviour become detrimental to those around him?

If it’s the former, maybe he picks old arguments with certain family members or slags someone specific. In advance, speak to anyone he usually targets. Point out “this is likely to happen again. What do you need?” 

Perhaps the person can be given some space or helped to put up boundaries.

If your brother-in-law’s behaviour is more problematic, remember your right to peace and quiet — and your right to set rules for what’s appropriate in your home. 

In advance of Christmas, get a couple of [other family members] on board to share perspectives. 

Strategise around what can be done to reduce exposure to his problem drinking. Is there someone better placed than you to speak to the brother-in-law about his festive drinking?

Remember if it doesn’t suit you, you have a right to duck out (of the situation) or to call a halt.

We’ve been invited to the neighbours’ for a party; my partner wants to go — I don’t

This is a value judgement. Is it worth it or not? Rather than being forced to be in a situation you don’t want, can you just say no and make an excuse?

Or do you prefer to strike a balance that suits you? Balance what your partner wants against what it takes from you. This could involve putting in a short appearance at your neighbours’ house — 10 minutes, half an hour — and then reverting back to what you want to do.

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Counsellor Majella Kennedy has timely advice about in-law behaviour. There can be an expectation that you simply accept it because you’re connected to them through your partner.

“A first task of being in a serious relationship is to detach from a family of origin and prioritise your [new] family unit. It’s reasonable to expect our spouse to support us when an issue arises with in-laws.”

My in-laws are visiting but nearly always find something to criticise

Calm, respectful communication is key. At a suitable time for you both, sit with your partner and explain the impact their behaviour has on your wellbeing.

Use “I” statements — for example, “I feel hurt/upset/angry when your family criticises how I cook/dress/parent. I would like you to support me by talking to them about the impact on me — and support me when I voice my feelings [respectfully] to them.”

My single sister expects to be invited every year — we’d like a quiet Christmas.

Put healthy boundaries in place — sooner rather than later. Talk with your partner about how you’d both like to spend Christmas. Acknowledge you’re not responsible for your sister and make the decision based on your needs.

Arrange to meet with her at a neutral venue to communicate your decision clearly and gently. Avoid being drawn into making excuses or explaining. 

Remember you can make choices that work for you. For example, invite your sister on a different date over the Christmas period, or arrange for both of you to have a day or afternoon out together later in the holiday.

We can’t agree on what movie to watch

Acknowledge and respect the difference in opinions, avoid personalising the issue and approach with problem-solving in mind. Share why a particular movie is important to you — for example, it’s a Christmas tradition or it evokes happy childhood memories. And share why the alternative movie isn’t for you — too much violence, reminds you of a lost loved one etc.

Put forward options, such as agreeing on a list of shared favourites, taking turns choosing a movie over the Christmas period, watching the trailers or reading reviews together before agreeing on a choice, or flicking a coin.

And if you don’t enjoy the movie, avoid blaming your partner or family member or referring continually to how much you disliked it.

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Psychotherapist Denise Enright says it’s almost inevitable to reach exhaustion during the festive period. “Over-stimulation comes from so many directions,” she says, adding that Christmas is also a time when normal routines are somewhat suspended and expectations are shifted.

I’m exhausted and no-one seems to care

When it comes to caring about our energy levels, the responsibility ultimately is our own. Tune in to yourself regularly and acknowledge how you actually feel.

From there consider what you might need in that moment: perhaps asking for help, saying no to someone, getting out for a quick walk to clear your head, or taking a short nap to reset.

While Christmas can feel like a whirlwind we still have the power to pause, even briefly.

The children want to play on their screens and not sit at the table for meals

Find a pause in the day to negotiate screen time. Explain that mealtimes are important as an opportunity for family to get together, enjoy food and have a conversation — and that this is important to you. Hear your children’s point of view, as well as share your own.

With time still to go before Christmas, start a, “We eat at the table together without screens” routine — perhaps incentivise by giving extra screen time at another stage of the day.

Ensure a shared sense of control. Make sitting at the table attractive: no overlong dinner, and make sure there are a few foods on the plate that your children will love — particularly on Christmas Day.

I want to stick to a bedtime routine with the kids, but my partner wants to relax the rules

Maintaining a bedtime routine can be helpful, particularly for younger children and tired parents. Yet at Christmas, some adaptability is necessary. 

But remember when we stay up too late, we borrow energy from the next day. Encourage a lazy next morning or afternoon downtime and if possible return to a better bedtime that evening.

When visiting family or friends for the evening, bring young children’s PJs with you [for them to change into before going home] to set the tone for bedtime. 

And letting older children stay up later some nights is part of the fun — breaks from routine can do us all good.