Talk To Me: I'm in my 70s and I feel like I've been cast aside by my adult sons

Psychologist Caroline Martin is here to answer your questions on whatever issues you are dealing with in life, from work pressure and stress to loneliness and grief

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I separated from my husband 15 years ago. I’m now in my early 70s and feeling isolated. My two sons keep in touch mostly by calls and texts. When their children were younger, I helped with babysitting, which meant we were in regular contact. But now they no longer need my help and it feels like I’ve been cast aside. We only see each other a few times a year. I’m beginning to wonder if I’ve done something wrong.

As a mother you have, in the words of Yeats’s ‘The Wild Swans at Coole’, “looked upon those brilliant creatures”, and now your “heart is sore”. So much has changed, now your children and grandchildren tread more gently through your daily routine, compared to their youthful clamour.

When we are young, we don’t necessarily appreciate that as we evolve, so do our relationships. We are often consumed by the hustle and bustle of life’s demands, juggling household management, school events, work demands and perhaps the dynamics of a marriage. 

As we age, the inevitability of change becomes more apparent and this contrast can create pain or tension. This tension doesn’t necessarily mean that you have done anything wrong but that circumstances have shifted.

Your role as a caregiver and supporter during your grandchildren’s younger years played a significant part in the family dynamics. As they have grown older and more independent, the family system shifts accordingly. It’s natural your sons will focus on their careers or their marriages and children at this stage of life. This does not diminish their love for you, rather it may reflect the broad range of their commitments.

Communication is vital. They may not be aware of how you are feeling - indeed, they may assume that you are happier to be master of your own schedule.

Share your thoughts and concerns. Using ‘I-statements’ will mitigate defensiveness. You might say, ‘I’ve noticed that we’re not in touch as much now that the kids are older, and it has left me wondering if there’s something I might have done or if there’s something I can do to strengthen our bond.’ Let your sons know their emotional support and company are important to you.

‘I-statements’ open up space for honest communication about your relationships. In tandem, it will be necessary to carefully listen to what and how your sons respond. When actively listening, we are listening with the intention of understanding. This will require you to give your full attention to them, not interrupting and asking for clarification to enhance comprehension. If you are crafting your reply before they have finished talking, you are not actively listening.

Caroline Martin, psychologist. Photograph Moya Nolan

Genuine communication lends itself to a greater appreciation of different perspectives and allows you to clarify misunderstandings. Such receptiveness makes it safer to express feelings and empathy is more likely to be experienced. Through active listening, you will hopefully gain a sense that your thoughts and feelings are valued and respected.

Engaging in challenging conversations may be difficult, but they have the potential to enhance and fortify relationships.

Sharing memories of the past during these chats can be helpful as it reinforces the strength of your relationship. Memories can also reveal ideas for plans or activities you can engage in together. These events may not be as frequent as they once were and it is essential to acknowledge the change in the family dynamic to help bridge the gap between the past and the present.

Co-creating the plan for future gatherings will help to foster that sense of unity. Enjoy the time planning as much as the actual events. Encourage your grandchildren to be part of this process. This will deepen your relationships, giving you a keener sense of their interests and values. You might be surprised to discover and rediscover what you have in common.

As family dynamics are interconnected, you may be picking up on some tension elsewhere in the family. When this happens, in the absence of information, we can believe the tension relates to us. Take time to cultivate and nourish individual relationships with each son and grandchild. Spend one-to-one time with them to deepen your connection and understanding. Immerse yourself in their presence, marvel at their essence and let them bask in your admiration and wisdom before they take flight again.

When they are not with you, take time to express the full breadth of who you are. Explore other aspects of your identity, perhaps parts of you that were compromised when your commitments to your family were all-encompassing. Seek out new social opportunities or reconnect with old friends. Building a support network outside of your immediate family will help to alleviate feelings of isolation. Joining clubs, volunteering and participating in community events can be an ideal way to meet new people, find new purpose and give oxygen to your internal wild swan.

Take care.

• If you have a question for psychologist Caroline Martin, please send it to [e-mail]