Should you forgive a cheating partner? Two people share their experiences of infidelity

When things go wrong in a relationship, some of us are hard pressed to forgive any kind of betrayal, as the hurt can be multi-layered and complex, writes Geraldine Walsh

Infidelity is a complex challenge for any couple, awash with difficult emotions and conversations.

Infidelity is not as simple as ending a relationship there and then. It is a complex challenge for any couple, awash with difficult emotions and conversations which need a little unpacking to understand what may be happening at the root of the relationship and for the individuals involved.

When things go wrong, some of us are hard pressed to forgive any kind of betrayal. This hurt can be multi-layered and complex, making forgiveness a difficult concept to work through, says relationship expert, Anne Brannick. “A person would need to fully examine what the relationship means to them and their reasons for staying,” she says. “Each partner also needs to be open to discussing why the infidelity came about and how each of them is affected by the infidelity. If the issues are not fully discussed until each person understands one another, forgiveness is only a band aid.”

A difficult goodbye

Cera* says that despite feeling at her lowest with thoughts of being “betrayed, hideous, and unlovable,” she stayed with her cheating partner for some time after the infidelity.

“It was much less about ‘learning to forgive’ and much more about forgiving, because the alternative was much less appealing,” she says. Like many, Cera was firmly in the “leave him” camp until she found herself in the position of questioning whether to stay or not. She says, “oddly, it felt easier to stay than it was to go. Going felt like a fairly involved process, whereas staying required nothing but my own acquiescence.” 

Doubt settled into Cera’s relationship and both she and her partner were nervous of the other cheating, which created tension and negativity in their relationship. “I definitely didn’t trust him the same way and it made me sceptical about everything and anything he told me,” she says.

Letting go of a relationship, a life you have built which also includes your wishes for the future, can be very difficult, especially when infidelity is the reason for saying goodbye.

Anne Brannick, Relationship Mentor

Learning to forgive

Paul* says he would never consider forgiving his ex, adding that he felt broken, betrayed, confused and worthless after their nine-year relationship came to an end as a result of his wife’s infidelity. “There are little voices in the back of your head questioning, ‘Was it all my fault? If I had done something different could this have been avoided? What did I do to deserve this?’” he says.

“But in my case, it was my partner who chose to sleep with someone else and risk it all, risk the life we built, the love we had, and break the vows we swore on our wedding day. Because of her decision, my trust in her was broken and would never be made whole again. The relationship we had was gone, and everything that came along with it, ruined.”

As a society we consistently question if it is ever truly possible to forgive a cheating partner. Paul’s experience has left him sitting heavily on the side of no. “The emotional trauma caused by cheating is ever lasting and will stick with me for the rest of my life,” he says.

Linsey Blair, couple and psychosexual therapist with the Evidence-Based Therapy Centre in Galway, says: “The truth is no one really knows what their partner is doing at any given time, but many relationships are built under what I call ‘blind faith’. In other words, our partner says they are going to work, and we believe them. We might not have any evidence, but we all need some blind faith to function in a relationship. The opposite of blind faith is no faith. No faith is very distressing because our mind and body go into overdrive and ask the question, are they really going to work?” When an affair occurs, the injured partner naturally goes from blind faith to no faith.

Phones are checked, emails read, and conversations listened to, and trust is heavily diminished. “You can’t forgive anyone from this place of physiological distress,” says Blair, “because forgiveness becomes part of the anxiety.” 

Blair also suggests that forgiveness is hard “because it follows grief and acceptance. It takes time and work to get to the phases of grief and acceptance post affair. Many couples don’t get there, they get stuck in the anxiety part and then it feels like the only way is separation. However, what we might see then is that the same anxiety tends to be carried into the next relationship.” 

Affairs can be a cry to be seen, to nurture the partnership, or a way to create a catalyst to end the relationship. A “get in” or “get out” clause as Blair puts it.

Linsey Blair, couple and psychosexual therapist with the Evidence-Based Therapy Centre in Galway

“It would not be right for me to say when to forgive because everyone has different boundaries and some individuals will find it easier to forgive than others,” she says. “There is no right or wrong in this. However, if one partner genuinely wants out of the relationship and is using an affair as leverage then holding the couple in therapy to get to grief, acceptance, and forgiveness might not be appropriate.” 

While it is tricky to know whether you could forgive a cheating partner, Blair suggests that an affair is always worth making sense of because if the affair is seen as a random and unpredictable event then anxiety and a lack of trust has the potential to be brought into future relationships.

“I frequently experience couples telling me that their relationship is better now than before the affair,” she says. “This is because when they start to have curiosity about why the affair happened then they can start to know each other on a deeper level. As a result, emotional and physical intimacy can deepen. If a couple are prepared to forgive and stay together, the relationship might be stronger than it was previously. However, the deepening of intimacy is not a consequence of the affair, but of a couple working through an affair and using it to learn about each other. I always encourage open communication over breaking trust.”

Blair stresses in the anxiety phase, the solution is not for the partner who had the affair to dramatically change their behaviour to prevent so that the betrayed partner does not feel anxious. “For many couples the solution post affair is to allow the betrayed partner access to email, text messages, or to accompany them on nights out. This is not healthy. Often, due to the insecurities and abandonment it can trigger, the partner who had the affair can end up being caged. This will burn out both partners in the long term. It is not sustainable.”

Instead, Blair suggests using methods to self soothe for anxiety and implementing small changes such as being more open emotionally and more transparent. She reminds us that the phases to rebuilding trust are anxiety, grief, and acceptance in order to rebuild trust with improved boundaries.

“Forgiveness can come when there is curiosity around who your partner is now that the affair has come out and what sort of relationship you are actually in.”