Sex File: My husband wants me to initiate sex more but I'm too scared he'll say no

As libidos decline, it can become easier and easier to not have sex. Picture: iStock

l ENJOY sex with my husband, but I rarely find myself pushing for it. I know he would love me to initiate more, but I am mortified if he's not up for it. It puts me off asking at all. We're in our fifties. Is it possible to hear "not tonight" without feeling hurt?

No one likes being rejected. And because humans have a tendency to avoid behaviours that create negative feelings, you are, obviously, less likely to do something that has left you feeling embarrassed or vulnerable in the past. Understanding your response to rejection is the easy bit. The difficult bit is remembering that most of us aren't very skilful in turning our partners down - and there are many reasons why someone might not be up for sex that don't mean they are rejecting you.

You are in your fifties so I'm presuming that sex is less of a priority than it was when you first got together. As libidos decline, it can become easier and easier to not have sex, so it is important to tackle issues that create any kind of distress or distance. Have an open and honest conversation about what sex means to both of you, when you find yourselves feeling most open to it and how rejection makes both of you feel. Instead of either of you getting defensive, you need to reach each other on an emotional level.

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Think back over recent sexual encounters - who initiated them, where you were and what happened. Did you end up having sex? And how did you feel afterwards? We always think about things from our own perspective, but try, as objectively as you can, to put yourself in your partner's shoes. You may find that you have turned down his advances too. He may be turning you down now in order to show you how it feels. When you think about the overall pattern rather than the individual occasion, it often casts a different light on the situation. As I said earlier, no one likes being rejected, but everyone needs to be free to express when they are - or aren't - in the mood.

Some couples are perfectly happy sticking to an old-fashioned heteronormative script where the male initiates and the woman obliges, but your husband appears to be seeking something more equitable. That's a good thing because longitudinal research by Susan Sprecher at Illinois State University shows that couples who take turns initiating sex experience greater relationship satisfaction. 

She identified two main reasons for this: firstly, the partner who initiates sex feels confident when their partner does not reject their advances, and secondly, the responding partner is reassured that they are sexually desirable. Importantly, by swapping those roles, both partners get the chance to experience feeling confident and desired within the relationship, and this mutually advantageous exchange strengthens trust and deepens intimacy. You might not always get it right, but the important thing is you both keep trying.

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