Talk To Me: My friends are retired but I have to keep working  

Psychologist Caroline Martin is here to answer your questions on whatever issues you are dealing with in life, from work pressure and stress to loneliness and grief

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Most of my friends retired at 60. But I don’t have the option as my husband was let go from work two years ago and hasn’t worked since. It isn’t easy to hear them chat about their travel plans and coffee dates when I work full time. I feel tired and would love to enjoy what’s left of my life, but I have to plough on.

“Fomo” is a pejorative term we associate with young people struggling with the very normal feeling that they may be missing out on an experience when stuck doing something less exciting. But “fear of missing out” is not exclusively an adolescent or young adult experience — it can happen at any stage.

When we focus on what is happening elsewhere, we can miss the rich moments of our lives. You may find it helpful to cultivate a gratitude mindset and tune into your daily experiences. Take time to notice the little things that have faded into the background. Observe how easy some tasks are, and appreciate the amount of tacit knowledge you demonstrate day to day. Journalling is a good way of capturing gratitude.

We can find our self-confidence waning when our work becomes more routine. We often equate success with overcoming new challenges, failing to recognise how many goals are being realised. By focusing on your strengths and abilities, you can rebuild your confidence and remind yourself of the strategies you have acquired to overcome obstacles.

When we make transitions in our lives, for example, becoming a parent or retiring, the newness of it can throw us off balance. We can feel completely adrift. By taking stock of your strengths, you are mapping the known terrain. This will greatly help you assimilate the changed landscape and overcome new hurdles when you reach retirement.

Similarly, having friends who have already retired can help you to learn from their experiences. Be curious about their learnings, what works, what doesn’t, and the unexpected pitfalls. If your friends are peppering their Facebook pages with images of laughter-filled coffee mornings and long leisurely lunches, restrict your time on social media.

Instead, ensure that your interactions with your friends are meaningful. Focus on the present rather than wishing the future was already here when you have time with them. Staying in the moment can be tricky as our minds tend to jump to thinking about actions taken in the past or worries about the future. Practising mindfulness can help us to get better at this.

When we can be fully present in the company of our friends, it reduces our sense of isolation.

Caroline Martin, psychologist. Photograph Moya Nolan

Shifting your focus away from the experiences they have elsewhere to the ones they are having with you will help you to feel genuinely connected to them. You may not have as much time as you like with them, but the time you have will be quality time.

I wonder if your husband’s setback had a knock-on effect on you and perhaps your relationship. It may be important to acknowledge the toll of the change in his employment status. So often, in such situations, the focus of attention is on the person who finds themselves without a job, with little acknowledgement of the financial and emotional impact on the partner. If you have not taken time to reflect on this recently, it may be a pivotal step.

While your husband might have been able to access therapeutic support following being let go, you may not have had an opportunity to express the full range of your emotions. You may feel angry, disappointed, and resentful.

These can be difficult emotions to share and in lieu shame may have developed. Shame can create all sorts of strife for us, psychologically and physically and it may be essential to attend a registered therapist together. As the New York Times bestselling author Ann Voskamp says: “Shame dies when stories are told in safe spaces.”

Not only will attending a therapist together allow you to express any hurt and to heal together, it will also help you sow the seeds for a bountiful retirement.

I wonder if “retirement” has become a taboo word in your partnership. This may have resulted in some faulty assumptions about your financial situation. Our financial situation and understanding of it can significantly impact our mental health. However, many of us choose to bury our heads rather than have a closer look.

This is a very natural response to a stressful subject. Even if you were given some guidance when your husband was let go, I would encourage you to meet with an authorised and independent financial adviser who can advise you based on your current status. There may be options available to you missed in the shock of the layoff.

With a professional guide, you both can have confidence in your next steps together.

• If you have a question for Caroline, please send it to [e-mail]