Becoming a parent is one of the biggest obstacles to maintaining a satisfying sex life, says renowned Belgian-American psychotherapist Esther Perel.
“Sex makes babies, but babies spell erotic disaster for couples,” says Perel in a Ted talk watched by more than 20m people.
Margaret*, a 39-year-old mother of three under five, agrees. “My husband and I used to have a very active sex life,” she says. “We have three beautiful children to show for it. But these days, it’s harder and harder to find the time. We’re both working. The youngest still wakes at night. The oldest is an early riser and is usually in our room at the crack of dawn. I just don’t know where we’re supposed to fit it in.”
American sociologist EE Le Masters was one of the earliest researchers to investigate how parenthood affects couples. In 1957, he published the first research paper which found that relationships suffered after the arrival of a baby, with 83% of new parents experiencing a moderate to severe crisis in their relationship in the first year of their baby’s life.
This has since been backed up by over 50 separate pieces of research, all concluding that the initial transition to parenthood leads to a decline in relationship satisfaction.
Psychologist Dr Natalie Rosen works in the Couples and Sexual Health Laboratory at Dalhousie University in Canada. Her research focuses on how couples cope with changes to their sexual relationship and since 2014 she has taken a particular interest in how parenthood affects a couple’s sex life.
Rosen believes that parents-to-be aren’t adequately forewarned or given guidance about the hurdles that may lie ahead. “Our research shows that even couples who didn’t experience many challenges in their sexual relationship before having a baby are likely to be faced with issues in navigating their post-baby sex life,” she says. “We’ve found that more than 90% of new parents report sexual concerns. Issues like reduced frequency in having sex, changes in body image, difference in sexual desire between partners and physical recovery from childbirth are all common challenges that new parents can feel unprepared to deal with.”
Her research looks for ways to address this lack of preparedness. In 2022, she and her team published a study about the prevalence of pain during sex for postpartum mothers. This can have many causes, with the most common being fluctuating hormone levels, stretching of the vaginal muscles and pelvic floor dysfunction. Of the 582 women surveyed for Rosen’s study, almost eight in ten reported some pain during sex. Of that figure, 21% described the pain as moderate to severe. However, the pain tended to peak at three months postpartum and declined steadily from there.
“Sex is a way for parents to connect but pain can interfere with that,” says Rosen. “Women ask themselves if the pain they experience is normal and how long they can expect it to last. This study provides some answers.”
Sexual concerns
In a 2020 study, published in the Journal of Sex Research, Rosen and her team found depressive symptoms were associated with lower sexual satisfaction. If either of the couples experienced symptoms of depression shortly after the birth of the baby, they were more likely to have sexual concerns at three months postpartum. Reassuringly, these symptoms and subsequent sexual concerns tended to decrease after the initial three months.
Another study Rosen carried out in 2020 found that a couple’s ability to understand each other was critical. It showed that empathy was an important factor in protecting new parents from experiencing a decline in their sexual and relationship satisfaction postpartum.
“When both men and women reported experiencing higher empathy from their partner, they were more satisfied with their sexual and romantic relationship,” says Rosen.
Empathy, depression and painful sex aren’t the only issues that affect couples’ sex lives once they become parents. It’s also common to have mismatched needs.
“I remember those early days after our first baby when I was still traumatised by it all,” says Margaret. “At around the six-week mark postpartum, my husband started making moves. I couldn’t believe that he thought I was ready. I snapped at him, which wasn’t the right reaction, as then he got upset and it led to an argument.”
Psychosexual and relationship therapist Aoife Drury often sees men and women react differently to the arrival of a baby.
“People are unique, and everyone responds differently,” she says. “However, if you’re the one who has given birth, you may be experiencing an overhaul of your hormones as well as all sorts of physiological changes and, more often than not, desire discrepancy will arise. In heterosexual couples, it’s not unusual for men to feel rejected in this scenario and women to feel they are not understood,” says Drury. “Pressure can start to mount, and communication becomes fraught.”
Anxiety and stress
Karen Murphy, a psychotherapist and couples counsellor in Cork, also sees couples struggling to maintain a sex life after parenthood. “Moving from two to three brings more anxiety and stress, both of which decrease libido,” she says. “Disrupted sleep brings exhaustion which also decreases sex drive. Add in the fact that sex changes from something that was a spontaneous response to desire into something that has to be planned around when the child is either asleep or being looked after by someone else and you can see the problem.”
Parents or not, men and women tend to view sex differently. “Often the female partner feels more desire when she feels close and connected to her partner whereas the sex itself is what helps the male partner to feel close,” says Murphy.
This scenario can be amplified when a baby arrives. “He wants to feel close to his partner by being sexually intimate and she can feel this is another draw on her energy, another task that’s expected of her. This difference in expectation and desire can result in both feeling their partner doesn’t understand or care about them,” says Murphy.
Time alone together is often the opportunity for couples to reconnect but the demands of a young family can leave little or no free time. “I meet parents who haven’t been on a date by themselves since their children were born,” says Murphy. “Their focus has been on the children at the expense of their relationship.”
She sees this as a short-term solution that can erode the couple’s relationship over the long term. “Parents who are tired and don’t feel connected are much more likely to bicker and argue,” she says. “Nurturing your relationship needs to remain a priority. Not only is it good for you as a couple but having harmonious parents will have a positive effect on your children.”
Margaret acknowledges that she and her partner have made the “mistake” of forgetting to focus on their relationship. “There have been months when we were so tired that it took all we had to put one foot in front of the other and the littlest thing could tip over into an argument,” she says. “We lost sight of ourselves as a couple and all our energy went into getting the family through the day, day after day.”
Wilderness years
There are ways of handling the pressure and of emerging from the wilderness years of early parenthood with your sex life and relationship intact, says Murphy. One of those ways is to tackle problems together.
“The couples who struggle the most are the ones who approach this challenge in a way that pits one against the other, looking for who is right or wrong and being frustrated with their partner for either wanting or not wanting sex,” she says. “It’s more helpful to look at the problem from a relationship standpoint, not to dismiss either party’s needs but to have open and honest conversations about each other’s desires. What excites them? What inhibits them? What are the best ways of overcoming the problem?”
Having such a conversation can be a challenge in itself. “Talking about sex is tough for couples because it taps into vulnerabilities and can evoke strong emotions like anxiety, shame and guilt,” says Rosen. “Talking about sex when we are exhausted and overwhelmed by parenthood makes it even more difficult. But communicating is a couple’s best tool for moving forward together.”
One way to make that conversation easier is to start talking about what you’re experiencing, says Drury. “Begin sentences with ‘I’ and wear your heart on your sleeve rather than with ‘you’ and apportioning blame.” Try to re-establish a heart-to-heart connection. “These conversations work best when both partners are willing to be open and vulnerable about what’s impacting them and when both listen to their partner’s perspective,” says Murphy.
You can move on to taking practical steps once the connection is restored. “Make a conscious and deliberate effort to create space for intimacy and sex by putting date nights and alone time in the diary,” says Drury. “Then start small with massages and sensual touch before gradually moving onto more sexual activities. Reconnect with each other and get excited about exploring again.”
Whatever you do, says Rosen, don’t feel you have to get back to the way things were pre-pregnancy. “Too often, advice focuses on how to recapture the flame of desire or what used to turn you on,” she says. “But your body and your life are different now. There are new stressors getting in the way of sex that need to be addressed. What facilitates your sexual desire and arousal may have changed too and that also deserves to be explored.”
Our sex lives evolve throughout our lives, says Murphy. The couples who succeed in navigating these changes are those who continue to communicate. Whether it’s parenthood or any other challenge, “they make a commitment to each other to check in regularly to hear from each other how things are impacting them sexually,” she says. “They accept that it’s necessary to adapt themselves to their changed circumstances and that it’s still possible to enjoy healthy sexual intimacy.”
Supporting sex in early parenthood
Psychologist Dr Natalie Rosen set up the website www.postbabyhankypanky.com, to share her research through animated videos.
“As the results of my studies came in, it became important to me to get those findings into the hands of healthcare professionals and new parents,” says Rosen. “I developed the platform for that purpose, to present the findings in an accessible and engaging way.”
The platform consists of short YouTube videos, each highlighting a different research finding about new parents’ sexual wellbeing. There are videos about pain during sex, new parents’ most common sexual concerns, how to improve sexual communication and how to rebuild intimacy. There are also links to blog posts explaining the research in more detail as well as additional resources for supporting sex in early parenthood.
“Our goal with this video series was to open the door for better communication about this topic,” says Rosen. “For example, a family doctor could share the videos with new parents and follow up by asking if they are having any sexual problems. A new parent might send the videos to their partner as a way of opening the conversation about the changes they are experiencing. We hope the series is a starting point for sharing research-based information, breaking down taboos about the topic, normalising postpartum sexual concerns and getting people talking about sex post-baby.”
A 2020 study which involved sending the #postbabyhankypanky videos via social media to expectant and new parents, healthcare providers and educators resulted in them being viewed 91,766 times in 14 countries.
“Respondents to our survey said they were more confident and comfortable discussing sexual issues after watching the videos,” says Rosen. “We see the videos as an effective way of raising awareness of factors affecting sexuality in the transition to parenthood.”
*Name has been changed
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