Want to find your soulmate? You need to let your freak flag fly

With Valentine's Day fast approaching, Suzanne Harrington tries a flirting workshop with dating coach Jeanne Sullivan Billeci who is encouraging singles to stop playing it safe because they're worried about scaring people away

Sun, 22 Jan, 2023 - 20:00

Suzanne Harrington

Exhausted from terrible dates? Tumbleweed blowing through your romantic life? Want to meaningfully connect with someone, rather than just mutually interview each other? Step this way.

Irish dating and relationship coach Jeanne Sullivan Billeci wants to “raise your vibration to attract higher quality partnerships”. She encourages us to deep dive into ourselves, to see what is blocking us from attracting the right person, and to move forward so that we are presenting our best, truest selves to the world — beyond the superficiality of selfies and cliches.

So how do we do all of that? Jeanne has gathered a small group of would-be daters of mixed ages and nationalities — mostly but not exclusively female — for an all-day intensive workshop on Zoom, accompanied by her detailed 5-step Playbook, Accelerate Your Soulmate Attraction Journey. These steps involve first looking inward, working on self-forgiveness, releasing resistance and dismantling what she calls the ‘kraken’ of negative self-beliefs, before the outward work of ‘trusting the process’, marketing yourself, and actual dating.

Jeanne’s message is simple — the best way to meet your soulmate is to “fly your freak flag”. That is, she explains, to proudly be yourself, specific and authentic, rather than presenting as anything too generic and people-pleasey. Hone in on who you are and what you are seeking — so if you are a stamp-collecting introvert who likes obscure 70s sci-fi and hill walking in the rain, then say it out loud. Don’t try to fit in with the ‘love to laugh / have cosy nights in’ clichés, the ‘doesn’t take life too seriously’ brigade, the ‘seeking a partner in crime’ gang; in order to attract your soulmate, you need to be yourself and market yourself as such, rather than as anything vague and bland.

“Have notions!” encourages Jeanne, who says that Irish people are often far too modest when presenting themselves romantically.

“To find a partner who supports and elevates you, be the soulmate you want to attract.” On her own dating profile twelve years ago, she put how much she loves drag, which she says helped eliminate all the people with whom she’d have nothing in common, and led her to meet her own soulmate Todd, who shares her enthusiasm.

We spend the morning sharing our limiting beliefs with each other over Zoom, and writing down what we’d like to let go of. It’s useful and cathartic and sets us up for the afternoon session, which is all about Getting Out There. Before we do that, however, we need to ask ourselves stuff like ‘What’s driving our love train?’ and to consider the differences between fleeting attraction and lasting connection.

“Most people in our culture are brainwashed by Hollywood movies and romance novels to seek a chemistry that is driven by excitement, a big spark that is really ‘gotta have them’ physical chemistry,” says Jeanne. “It’s the caveperson instinct that says ‘we’d make great babies’ and often persists after the childbearing years.”

We prioritise these amour fou feelings — sparkles, rainbows, butterflies, unicorns — because they are more exciting and photogenic than, say, accompanying your soulmate to the chiropodist to sort out their bunions, even though the latter is arguably far more indicative of genuine love than swinging from the chandeliers. And yet the pull of the chandeliers remains potent.

“The bonding hormone oxytocin makes women want to bond with their sexual partner for three weeks and men for three days, so we are likely to overlook red flags,” says Jeanne. “Even within the best of relationships, this spark wears off after about 18 months, so there needs to be a different chemistry driving your love train if you want a potential partner for life. The Buddhists say, and I agree, that a soul mate will feel calm — not the butterflies we’re taught to seek, which make us bend ourselves into a pretzel to keep the other person interested.”

So you’re almost date-ready. You’ve written your freak-flag profile where the real you shines through, cliché-free and unafraid of saying what you want, and included a selection of photos. Jeanne advises against selfies.

“Even though selfies are so much a part of our culture, people don’t tend to be attracted to them on dating sites as much as other pictures that are more candid and natural,” she explains.

“I personally believe it’s because selfies are usually very posed, and can be read by someone who doesn’t know you as a little bit narcissistic even if you are not. Some people do things to look attractive that feel a bit fake, like Facetune or the duckface pout.

“If you have a great selfie that doesn’t look like you’re trying too hard, and it communicates something very important about who you are, I think it’s okay when is the rest of them are more natural and candid, taken by someone else.”

And never, ever post old photos. “Authenticity is key here, and if you’re of a certain age it’s especially important to post photos that are no more than three years old,” she says. “The right people will be attracted to you if you are comfortable in your skin and how you look now.”

So. You’ve done your screening, your initial chat, maybe a phone call, and now you’re ready to meet IRL. The key is presenting both your best self and your self-belief — and then to let go of expectation and outcome. Just enjoy yourself, and enjoy meeting the other person.

“Approach the date with a playful curiosity mindset instead of intel-gathering, which can feel like an interrogation and block flow,” says Jeanne. “Stay present and pay attention to your body cues, as your body is most in tune with your intuition.”

Afterwards, she recommends journaling to catch up with your feelings and intuition, rather than racing ahead to the next date.

“Many of my clients are achievers and highly empathic people who put a lot of pressure on themselves to decide immediately if this is one of their soulmates,” she says. “Journaling helps you process your experience and decide if you’d like to see them again. This can also help you decide what you want to explore further if you are still curious about them.”

Or if there was something about your date that triggered you, ask yourself if it was an old issue that you need to address and release — or was it your intuition shouting ‘abort, abort!’? It’s not uncommon, says Jeanne, for people to “have a touch of people-pleasing within them, and minimise the red flags they see in the other person because they’re sexually attracted.”

Instead, ask yourself — could you see yourselves developing a friendship with your date? This may seem counterintuitive — when we relegate someone to the Friend Zone it usually means we are not sexually interested in them — but the reality is that grown-up, successful relationships are based not on mad shagging, but on deep bonds of connection and shared stuff outside the bedroom.

“We’re taught that this is ‘settling’, but most successful couples report starting with a strong foundation of friendship,” she says. “A relationship that prioritises friendship, where we can be accepted for our authentic selves, is the kind of chemistry that can lead to long-term partnership. When we can truly be ourselves and be loved for that, it reduces our anxiety and allows us to receive more pleasure, and sex is often so much better over the long term when it’s driven by cherishing instead of excitement.

“In other words, being in the friendship zone people are so worried about is actually what they should be seeking. Being friends does not necessarily mean great sex is out of the question later on.”

Meanwhile, hoist that freak flag and get yourself out there, with your best self facing forward — because your soulmate is waiting.