Yes, yes, yes: How to discuss sexual consent in a long-term relationship 

Negotiating about sex is not just for new lovers, it's an ongoing conversation that will help to make your relationship more satisfying  

'It’s important to examine consent in the context of any sexual encounter, whether in a committed romantic relationship or a one-time hookup'

We all must ask for consent when we want to have sex with someone for the first time. But what if we’ve been with our partners for a long time? Is consent something that needs to be discussed in committed relationships?

Kristen N Jozkowski is a senior research scientist with the Kinsey Institute for Research in Sex, Gender and Reproduction in the US. Her work focuses on sexual consent.

“It’s important to examine consent in the context of any sexual encounter, whether in a committed romantic relationship or a one-time hookup,” she says.

One reason she wanted to explore consent within relationships was the widespread belief that the consent of a long-term partner could be assumed.

“People can make assumptions about consent based on the partner with whom they are engaged in sexual behaviour, and we wanted to understand how that influenced consent,” says Jozkowski.

In 2021, she co-authored a study on consent, whose participants were couples attending a US university.

It found that 82% of them typically consented to sexual activity using verbal cues like commenting on how turned on they were, while 76% used nonverbal cues like touching.

It also found, the more explicitly consent was communicated by both parties, the more likely they were to report a positive sexual experience. They were also 5.4 times more likely to report having had an orgasm.

This finding doesn’t surprise Siobhán O’Higgins, a postdoctoral researcher in the School of Psychology at NUI Galway who developed Smart Consent workshops for third-level students with her colleague, Dr Pádraig MacNeela.

“It doesn’t matter if you’ve been with your partner for a year or 25 years; you still want to know that your partner desires you,” she says.

O’Higgins’ definition of consent is based on her work with young people. “They came up with ‘OMFG’,” she says. “‘O’ is for ongoing. If you did something last week, that doesn’t mean you want to do it this week. Just because you said yes, doesn’t mean you can’t change your mind as you go along. ‘M’ is for mutual. And ‘FG’ is freely given. No one is under the influence of too much drink or drugs, nor are they intentionally misled, pressurised or forced into doing something they don’t want to do.

“This definition applies to all sexual encounters, even in a long-term relationship. Circumstances and bodies change and your sex life will inevitably change too. To ensure you’re both on the same page will require ongoing conversation, otherwise known as consent.”

Consent evolves in a relationship

Áine Ward is a psychosexual psychotherapist with a practice in Dublin city. She believes consent evolves throughout a relationship.

“At the beginning, it’s usually best to be explicit, to ask ‘is this OK?’ or ‘would you like that?’,” she says. “Then, as time goes by and trust builds, there’s likely to be more nonverbal communication as you get to know each other better and read each other’s body language.”

Jozkowski found that this evolving conversation about consent is exactly what happened in a previous study, that involved couples keeping daily diaries.

“Over time, consent went from being more explicit to less explicit and back to more explicit again,” she says. “This could suggest that people initially think they have to be explicit, maybe because they don’t know their partner well. Then they can rely on context cues as they develop a comfort level with their partner. Then, as that comfort continues to develop, they revert to explicit.”

Youghal-based psychologist and psychotherapist Sally O’Reilly says this progression from explicit to implicit and back to explicit again is healthy for a relationship.

“When we know our partners well, we can mistakenly think we can read their intentions and desires,” she says. “But we can get it wrong, and that’s why it’s important to continue checking in.”

Couples’ sex drives can be mismatched for all sorts of reasons. The aftermath of childbirth is a common time for this to happen.

“Childbirth can be traumatic for some women and penetrative sex can be a big no-no for months afterwards,” says O’Reilly.

Men can also be afraid of causing their partner pain at this time. “Many stay away and don’t initiate any sexual or sensual activity at all,” says O’Reilly. “Unwittingly, they may be communicating to the woman that they no longer find her attractive.”

She says that a couple who have developed an ongoing conversation about consent should be able to handle challenges like these. “They will have practised communicating what they want, what they find fearful and pleasurable.”

Open communication should help couples find a solution that works.

“Once you understand what’s behind the mismatch, you’re halfway to solving the problem,” says Ward. “If you can talk gently with one another without apportioning blame or criticising, you can start discussing what’s possible so that both needs are met, so that no one feels frustrated or pressured.”

Sex and rejection

A couple’s sex life can be affected by more than babies and childbirth. A cross word can also be a turn-off.

“If a partner snaps at us, we can experience feelings of fear and rejection,” says O’Reilly. “We cannot have fantastic sex with someone we feel unsafe with or rejected by; it just won’t work.”

When this happens, many assume that their partner will read their body language and understand their hurt feelings.

“But we can’t expect them to know,” says O’Higgins. “How could they? It’s our responsibility to talk.”

The word ‘no’ is allowed to be part of that conversation.

“It’s not a rejection of the person but a rejection of what they want to do with you,” says O’Higgins.

However, turning down an offer to have sex can be tricky.

“Dealing with potential hurt and rejection requires care and thought,” says O’Reilly.

Ward suggests that it could involve compromise. “You might say that you’re not in the mood for X but would like to do Y. That way, there’s give and take and both of you feel understood. But don’t feel that you have to do that every time. In a healthy relationship, you should be able to say, no, and your partner should be able to accept that without feeling rejected.”

Jozkowski’s studies have led her to conclude that an ongoing conversation about sex can benefit a couple’s relationship.

“Researchers have posited that sexual consent is associated with intimacy, relationship satisfaction and sexual pleasure,” she says. “Consent could be incorporated into a larger initiative to increase communication, which might improve relationships and ultimately make them more satisfying.”

Therapists could also use it as a tool. Jozkowski’s 2021 study concluded that education around the feelings, communication, and perception involved in consent could help couples seeking therapy for difficulties with their sexual relationship.

Ward broaches the topic in her work. “Communication has usually broken down in the couples I see and often the sex has as well,” she says.

“It’s my job to help build it back up again and I do this by giving couples communication strategies to talk about what they want, what they need, and what they would like. We start talking about this in terms of life in general and when they’re more comfortable, we start talking about it in terms of sex. By taking time to talk, engage and listen to one another, they can retrieve their sex life and their relationship.”

Talking it through

Developing a conversation about consent in your relationship doesn’t have to be a series of blunt questions followed by yes/no answers. There are many techniques couples can use.

• Using a scale: This involves rating your enthusiasm for a suggested activity from one to ten. On the days when you’re too tired for sex, rather than concocting an excuse like feigning a headache, you could say: ‘Sex is a two for me right now but taking a bath together would be an eight’. Or: ‘Sex is a two for me tonight but if I get some sleep, it could be an eight by morning’.
• Using a code: This is something that works well for long-term couples, especially parents who have to be careful what they say around young children. An example could be one of you asking the other if you want to go to bed early tonight, accompanied by a wink.
• Keeping it light: “Humour in a relationship is very important and that extends into the bedroom,” says psychologist Sally O’Reilly. “Couples develop all sorts of cute and adorable ways to signal to each other that they are interested in sex.”
• Checking in with each other: People’s bodies change and what turned them on in the initial stages of the relationship may no longer be having the same effect.

“Ask if something is still OK and if your partner is comfortable with what you’re doing and be open to trying something different if they are not,” says psychosexual psychotherapist Áine Ward. “These conversations can add to the trust in a relationship. The more that trust is secured, the closer the couple can come together emotionally, physically and sexually.”