Talk To Me: I'm worried my in-laws will not stick to house rules when babysitting 

Psychologist Caroline Martin is here to answer your questions on whatever issues you are dealing with in life, from work pressure and stress to loneliness and grief

Playful small cute preschool kid girl having fun with dough while cooking with caring loving elderly mature retired grandmother in modern kitchen, happy diverse generation weekend funny activity.

My parents-in-law have offered to pick up our three-year-old daughter from playschool twice weekly. We could do with the help, as both work full-time and have an older son in primary school. However, they have a very relaxed attitude about screen time and sweets and often bring a bag of 'goodies' when they visit. I want to ask them to stick to our house rules when my daughter stays with them but I'm afraid of hurting their feelings.

The origins of the phrase, ‘It takes a village to raise a child’ is unclear but it is likely to be from an indigenous people of Africa or America. However, it would not have been out of place in Ireland before Henry VIII started taking an interest in our island. The importance of the extended family or clan in Celtic Ireland is well documented. When we consider our historical culture and the high costs of childcare, it is no surprise that grandparents are often the main carers for children of working parents, according to an Ipsos MRBI poll.

Recent research indicates that grandparents who are involved in the care of their grandchildren are less likely to suffer from isolation, are more likely to feel connected to wider social networks and have a greater sense of purpose. We know these factors contribute to our overall sense of wellbeing and quality of life. The benefits are not all one way — our children’s wellbeing also tends to be enhanced through positive relationships with caring, loving adults. The Growing Up In Ireland research tells us that our children prize their special bonds with their grandparents, seeing them as sources of support, comfort, fun and companionship.

However, it is not unequivocally positive. The Irish LongituDinal Study on Ageing (TILDA) found that benefits decline when there is a sense of obligation on the grandparents or when their sense of agency is compromised. As is often the case in relationships, when there are unspoken expectations, people can feel let down or taken advantage of. With this in mind, careful negotiation of the new childcare arrangements with your in-laws is important.

It can be helpful to have a conversation that allows hopes and fears to be aired. What happens if a parent gets called to a late meeting at work? Is the grandparent expected to wait? What happens if a child becomes unwell?  Are there foods readily eaten by the children available? Is there an expectation that the grandparents will entertain their grandchild?

Having a chat when things are going well so potential problems can be named and a course of action agreed upon allows for a follow-up conversation if other problems arise.

As parents, we may fear the possibility of childhood obesity and other repercussions of poor eating habits, and we may worry that our child will have difficulty reaching developmental milestones. As a result, we focus on ensuring a healthy diet and fastidiously record first steps, first words, first time sharing a toy with another child and so on. Emphasising values such as health and growth is prudent. When these values compete with other values such as harmony, family and order, we can feel conflicted.

It can be helpful to consider which values are important and which are 'deal breakers'. When our 'deal breaker' values are compromised, it can rock us to our core. When other values are compromised, it can help to recognise their relative importance, which can be a space for negotiation. It seems you appreciate the help offered by your in-laws and value your relationship with them. It is also important to cherish the special bond between your children and their grandparents.

Your in-laws may not do things exactly as you do. But, like soccer teams, family teams need people to play different roles. It is crucial you bring your values of order, health and growth, and their grandparents bring curiosity, variety, and a healthy dose of risk-taking. In season three of Modern Family, there is a beautiful scene between grandfather Jay and granddaughter Lily when she is too scared to perform her ballet recital. Lily finds the courage to dance when Jay agrees to perform on stage with her. He acts as her wingman.

Of course, conversations around expectations are recommended and such conversations within the context of loving, respectful relationships are most beneficial.

It is useful to remember the importance of being a ‘good enough parent’ as suggested by British psychoanalyst and paediatrician Donald Winnicott. We want to do our best for our children and often strive for perfection. However, this leaves little room for their growth. Your children will learn the importance of a healthy diet from you and as you navigate this space with your in-laws, they will also learn about agency, independence, compromise and teamwork. The village must work like a team.

Take care.

• If you have a question for Caroline, please send it to [e-mail]