Talk To Me: I've lost interest in my job but I can't afford to leave it

Psychologist Caroline Martin is here to answer your questions on whatever issues you are dealing with in life, from work pressure and stress to loneliness and grief

There are points in our career when it is wise to pause and reflect on whether the job is still serving you or if you are stuck in a rut.

I've lost interest in my job but don't know what else I can do. I've been in the same role and company for the past 15 years and there are no prospects of promotion. I'm 38 and lucky to have a house but the mortgage repayments are high, so I can't afford to take a career break. I enjoy baking in my free time and used to fantasise about running a small cafe as a teenager but I know this is unlikely to happen. I've a long-term boyfriend - we don't live together and have no plans to do so.

'The fur-lined mousetrap' was a term coined by British author Cyril Northcote Parkinson and became the title of one of his books in 1973. The term seems as fitting a description now as then of our often-bittersweet relationship with work. We can feel stuck in a job that leaves us feeling miserable, yet because of the security of a pay cheque, or the promise of a decent pension, we stay. This bind results in many people surrendering their years in service to someone else’s dream or to a cultural narrative that serves the status quo.

There are points in our career when it is wise to pause and reflect on whether the job is still serving you or if you are stuck in a rut. When we begin our careers, we can have a clear sense of wanting to find a position where we can practice our skills, gain recognition for our achievements and progress to the next level. We often don’t look beyond that point. When we begin to hit against the organisation's parameters due to a lack of upward or lateral mobility, our innate drive to grow is compromised.

Some will embrace this opportunity to turn the focus of their attention to passions outside of work. Having achieved that position of security and familiarity in work, they can perhaps commit more time and energy to an activity that makes their heart sing, such as baking. This is a good pivot -  from making decisions to support the progression of a career to choosing what to study and where to live, they now make decisions to support a personal passion. Choosing to stay in a job affords them the time and finances to pursue it.

It may be worthwhile to begin by exploring with a compassionate friend or a therapist if the real struggle or sense of “stuckness” is within your personal life rather than at work. 

Caroline Martin, psychologist. Photograph Moya Nolan

Being a woman in the workplace can bring a sense of obligation, at times leaving you feeling guilty for no longer feeling happy. But this response can be counterproductive. It was not that long ago that our mothers and grandmothers had to leave employment when they married. While no longer a barrier, there is perhaps pressure to 'make good on' their gift of equal opportunities. I wonder if contemporary culture has framed this as a gift of work or hard graft, as opposed to a gift of choice. However, when we stand on the shoulders of our foremothers, it is our agency that they have handed on to us, not a lifetime of service. 

We can be wrapped up with everyone else’s expectations of us -  family, teachers, employers - and we can drift far from understanding what we want for ourselves. I suggest you take time out to gain a deeper understanding of your values, goals and passions. Many people find spending time in nature an excellent way to return to oneself and to think. Spending time with people who care and support you and your growth is essential. You may find keeping a gratitude journal helpful, as it will capture things that bring you joy. You may find that there are several aspects of your job that you really enjoy. In our deficit-focused world, we are often well versed in what we don’t want but can be rendered speechless when asked what we want more of in our lives. 

Keeping a journal that prompts you to recognise what makes you happy also has the added benefit of regulating your stress-response system. When our nervous system is in a state of calm, we can be curious and creative. This is an important space, one where you can throw out the wildest of ideas. You may find that volunteering at a soup kitchen will give you an added sense of purpose. I suspect your teenage self might not have been able even to consider an online baking enterprise such as a blog or vlog. Don’t let the limitations of your adolescent dreams deter you now. 

Interestingly, many more women your age are deciding to change their career course. You might gain support and guidance from being part of a women-in-business network. There are several on Facebook, often specifically for women in particular industries such as entrepreneurs. Perhaps, it’s timely to remember another writer, Ralph Waldo Emerson, who suggests we 'build a better mousetrap'.

Take care.

• If you have a question for Caroline, please send it to [e-mail]