Sex File: Getting engaged killed my libido 

Picture: iStock 

I have just got engaged to my long-term boyfriend and I’m over the moon, but it seems to have killed my sex drive. Something about the confirmation that this is my sex life for ever just makes me not want to have sex. I don’t think it means I don’t want to marry him, but I don’t know how to get over it. What can I do?

Don’t underestimate the psychological impact of this transition. Getting engaged is exciting but can be hugely stressful, and it is perfectly feasible to be thrilled about being engaged yet simultaneously uncertain about aspects of your relationship.

Getting married is an aspiration for lots of people, and it confirms to you that you have reached a certain point in your relationship. However, it doesn’t necessarily guarantee that your relationship is perfect, or even that you are marrying the right person. Making a lifetime commitment to another human puts a lot of pressure on a relationship. A marriage proposal forces you to think about “for ever” — a very scary concept. Thinking about the barriers to “happy ever after” can be so overwhelming that planning the event feels like the only thing you have control over.

Only you can say whether you have been happy with your sex life, but your apprehension about this being “it” does suggest a degree of uncertainty. For some people commitment feels like a difficult sacrifice, because it requires them to give up the possibility of other sexual partners.

If you are bored, or have been harbouring unspoken concerns about any aspect of your sex life, you need to be completely honest with yourself if things were on the slide long before you got engaged.

If you think the issue is anxiety, the most important thing to do is to work out the cause. Talking about sex is difficult, and talking about sex with a man you have just agreed to marry is more so. If you are going to marry this man, start as you mean to go on and tell him the truth. If it turns out that both of you have noticed the decline, but there are no fundamental concerns about sexual compatibility, give yourselves permission to have a break from sex, then stop worrying about it.

When it comes to big life transitions the most important thing is to be deliberate. If you have a track record of good sex and feel confident that you have what it takes to make a good marriage, own your decision and agree to take a sex sabbatical for a week or two.

Taking a sex sabbatical is a perfectly reasonable thing to do as long as it is planned, mutually agreed and has a fixed end date. Sex therapists will often encourage couples who are having sexual difficulties to stop having intercourse and focus instead on romantic, affectionate, non-sexual touching as a way of increasing intimacy, trust and connection. Doing that intentionally for a couple of weeks will take the pressure off both of you, and of course making a decision to not have sex will almost certainly mean that it is on your mind a lot more. Purposefully removing sex from your relationship means that you attend to its absence more than you would if you did not have a ban in place and you will find that you become increasingly physically affectionate on a day-to-day basis. If you make it to the end date, it will hopefully feel as if you are having sex for the first time.

• Send your questions to [e-mail]