Sex File: We find it easier to have sex over Zoom than in real life

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My new boyfriend and I live in separate cities, so have got very good at having sex via video conference calls. But when we get together in person we are somewhat inhibited - it's almost as though we need a screen between us to give us confidence. How do we get over this? Or does this mean we don't have actual physical chemistry?

Living in separate cities can be tough on romantic relationships, but there are huge benefits too. In long-distance relationships you are always playing your A-game. Because your relationship is not subject to the day-to-day grind of normal life, it doesn't tarnish as quickly. Distance helps to preserve the sense of "otherness", which makes sex feel novel, unpredictable and exciting. You also have much more control over the experience. Because video sex is by necessity scheduled, you have the opportunity to prepare. You can put your lipstick on and adjust the lighting and the camera angles to make sure they are flattering. Managing all the variables ensures you always present your best self, and that can make people feel much more sexually confident.

Unfortunately, real sex doesn't come with flattering lighting and choreography. It is more likely to happen when you are wearing comfy clothes than when you are in your sexiest underwear. But that's real life - and that's where real intimacy happens. Feeling comfortable with your 'real' as opposed to your 'Zoom' selves may take time, but if you want this relationship to last it is important that you learn how to conduct it offline as well as online.

When Dr Laura Stafford from Bowling Green State University in Ohio studied long-distance relationships she found that partners were more likely to idealise each other. They tended to fight less and didn't waste their time online having conversations about issues that might create conflict. In 2007 Stafford and Andy Merolla from the University of California Santa Barbara tracked couples who had moved to the same area after dating long-distance for two years. Within three months a third had broken up. The shock of exposure to 'real' flaws as opposed to 'ideal' behaviours, coupled with a loss of autonomy, made it difficult for couples to adapt.

Stafford's study reminds us that, although sex is an important component, good relationships need to accommodate the normal stuff: cooking, walking the dog, holding hands, going to the pub with friends, lying on the sofa watching TV, or staying up late having deep and meaningful conversations about hopes and dreams.

Although you worry about feeling shy, that vulnerability jolts you both into a more receptive emotional and sexual state. Feeling shy heightens awareness and increases sensitivity. It also increases levels of cortisol, which can boost arousal and make sex more exciting. Embrace the awkwardness, concentrate on getting to know each other more holistically and pay attention to all the sensory delights Zoom sex can never provide: touch, taste, smell and good old-fashioned sexual intercourse. The more relaxed you become, the better your 'real' sex life will be, but you don't need to throw the baby out with the bath water. 

Zoom sex obviously works for you both, so whether you are here or there, schedule the occasional meeting and keep the online love alive too.

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