Creche crisis: The pros and cons of asking grandparents to become childminders
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In August 2017, secondary school art teacher Catriona Brosnan was looking forward to returning to work, having taken maternity leave after the birth of her first child, Fionn. The day before school was due to start, the 40-year-old from Kilmeedy in Co Limerick got a call from her childminder, cancelling their arrangement.
“It was panic stations,” says Catriona.
Luckily, her husband Caoimhín’s parents live nearby, and they came to the rescue. “They looked after him for a week while we found a place at the local creche,” says Catriona. “They then decided to offer to look after him for two whole days every week and they still do that. We’ve had two more children since then, Oisín and Cuan, so they really do a lot to help with childcare.”
The Brosnans are one of the thousands of working families where grandparents form a part of the jigsaw of childcare. According to a 2015 Ipsos MRBI survey, grandparents are the most popular form of childcare, with 42% of working parents relying on grandparents compared to 20% for creches and childminders.
Those working parents have come under unprecedented pressure in the past 18 months. When older people were advised to cocoon and stay away from children in the initial stages of the pandemic, many grandparents were suddenly unavailable for childcare.
“Parents were under phenomenal stress trying to balance the competing demands of childcare, home school, and Zoom meetings for work,” says child psychotherapist Dr Colman Noctor.
Catriona remembers it well. “I had two children then and was pregnant with my third,” she says. “I’d mind the kids during the day and prepare classes for my students in the evening once the children went to bed.”
It was difficult to manage, but it didn’t last for long. “My husband Tadhg and I missed our grandchildren too much,” says Nora Brosnan, 67.
“After quarantining for two weeks, we made a bubble together. We didn’t see anyone but them and because Catriona was pregnant, they were being careful not to see anyone either. We helped each other.”
Now that schools and childcare services have reopened, the situation has changed once more. “I can’t send my three-year-old to playschool with a cough unless he has a negative Covid test,” says Catriona.
“He often has a cough so that’s proving difficult.”
Psychotherapist and author Stella O’Malley sympathises. “Children have so many coughs and runny noses,” she says. “Parents often know that everything is fine, but they have to keep them home from school nevertheless. It’s very disruptive when it comes to childcare.”
For the Brosnans, this means relying on grandparents more than ever. “We had to call on them just this morning as Oisín was coughing all night,” says Catriona.
Having grandparents you can call on in times of need is certainly convenient but are there other benefits to such an arrangement?
It can be reassuring for parents. “There’s a peace of mind when it’s your parents or your partner’s parents who are minding your children,” says Noctor. You have more trust in them than you would in anyone else.”
Grandparents can benefit too. A 2019 study at the University Medical Centre of Hamburg-Eppendorf in Germany interviewed almost 4,000 grandparents and found that those who looked after grandchildren were less likely to suffer from loneliness. Their grandchildren kept them company and helped widen their social circle by introducing them to other parents and grandparents.
Nora and Tadhg have found this. “It’s not just that we have the opportunity to get to know the children better and enjoy things like walks, reading books, and playing board games all over again,” she says.
“They also get us out of our comfort zone, exposing us to new things and shaking up our routines in a good way.”
It's children who reap the biggest rewards from this type of childcare arrangement, says O’Malley. “There is something about the love of a grandparent that sets children up on a deep level,” she says. “There are not that many people in the world who will love and care for your child the way a grandparent will.
A 2016 Boston University study used data from a long-term survey that spanned several generations of families between 1986 and 2004 and found that when young adults enjoyed strong relationships with their grandparents, both tended to suffer fewer symptoms of depression.
However, there can be drawbacks to this childcare arrangement too, especially for grandparents.
“I’d encourage parents and grandparents to treat carefully in this situation,” says Noctor. “It’s important nobody feels taken for granted. Childminding can cause huge disruption to grandparents’ lives, especially if the demands being made on them are significant. They can feel obliged to help when they thought their childrearing years were over.”
Different parenting styles can cause conflict too. “Parents can feel as if the grandparents are doing them a favour,” says Noctor. “This can then make them feel as if they don’t have the right to dictate how their children are looked after.”
At the opposite end of the spectrum, some parents are too prescriptive. O’Malley thinks it’s best to have some ground rules while also allowing grandparents some leeway. “They have to be able to do things their own way,” she says. “Otherwise, they can end up feeling treated like staff and undervalued for the contribution they are making to the family.”
Some families pay grandparents in order to avoid this problem. Noctor advises caution here. “Grandparents may find it insulting to be employed by their own children,” he says. “Consider the sensitivities of the people involved before you broach the subject.”
Far better to have an open and honest conversation at the outset about the expectations on all sides. “Parents need to be clear about their needs from the very beginning,” says Noctor. “Be explicit about how you would like your children to be managed.”
O’Malley agrees. “Start by laying out what’s important in terms of things like naps, food, and screentime,” she says. “But do handover some power over to the grandparents. Coming down too hard can end up with grandparents feeling resentful and put upon.”
Keep the grandparents’ needs in mind too. Many of them have cocooned during the pandemic.
“They have had a year and a half taken from them and they may be keen to get out into life again, not necessarily devoting all their time to their grandchildren,” says Noctor.
That’s something Catriona and Caoimhín make a priority. “At the beginning, we let it be known that they didn’t have to look after our children and that they could stop at any point if they wanted to,” she says. “They have to be able to live their own lives. We make sure to check in with them regularly to see if they are still happy with the situation.”
So far, they certainly are. “I’d recommend it to any grandparents out there so long as they were prepared for the fact that it can be tiring,” says Nora. “A lot of grandparents don’t have their full health and can’t look after their grandchildren. We see it as a privilege to look after ours.
Catriona and Caoimhín are happy too. “Our children have such a lovely close bond with Nora and Tadhg,” says Caitriona. “They are always comfortable and happy in their company. We couldn’t ask for better.”
Childcare is one of the most pressing issues for Irish families. It’s becoming increasingly expensive. The health concerns raised by the pandemic mean that many schools and childcare centres will not accept children with coughs and colds. These are just some of the reasons why grandparents are being drafted in to help with childcare.
Here are some tips for managing that childcare arrangement so it works to the benefit of parents, grandparents, and children.
1. Set down some ground rules at the beginning. For grandparents, this means carefully considering just how much time and energy you have to give to childminding. Looking after children is a physically demanding activity. Don’t promise more than you can deliver.
2. Parents need to let grandparents know when the children need to eat and sleep and any important rules regarding watching TV or other screens, eating snacks, and appropriate discipline.
3. Try not to be too strict or prescriptive with this. “It might be an idea to list the deal-breakers rather than a list of demands,” says child psychotherapist Dr Colman Noctor. It’s vital that grandparents feel that you trust their judgement.
4. If grandparents are to be financially reimbursed for their services, the details must be agreed upon before they start. How much will they be paid? What exactly will that payment cover? Deciding all of this in advance will prevent any misunderstandings in the future.
5. Maintain an ongoing open and honest conversation. Parents should check in with grandparents regularly, keeping them informed about things like the child feeling sick, having trouble sleeping, or any fears or anxieties the child may be feeling. They should also ask the grandparents if they have any issues to report, either from their point of view or that of the child.
“As long as everyone involved is open and honest and fair, there is no reason why this childcare arrangement won’t work out for the benefit of all,” says Noctor.
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