Colman Noctor: Should we be teaching children about equity instead of equality?

We need to remind ourselves to 'catch them being good' and remember to reward a child's good behaviour

Equity is the reason younger siblings may pick up the slack when a teenager doing the state exams is allowed to do fewer chores while they are studying. Picture: iStock

Children are driven by concepts of fairness, equality and justice. The primary school child is often led to believe things like ‘I am taller than you, therefore I am better than you’, or ‘she’s the oldest, so she’s the leader’. These random allocations of power and status are not nuanced, they are taken as fact.

Many children do not grasp how the concept of equality works. Their simplistic ideology is that everybody must get the same. However, this is not always effective.  For example, if a child falls over in the playground and cuts their knee they will get a plaster, however, because one child gets a plaster for their cut knee does not mean that the whole class must get one. Perhaps a better ethos to teach children is that if any of them need a plaster at any stage, there will be one there for them.

However, this concept is rarely well explained to children, and maybe as parents, we fall into the trap of reinforcing the ‘everyone must get the same’ principle from time to time. Most parents try to provide a fair and just family culture and work hard to avoid ‘favouritism’. This often plays out with the principle of equality as the focus. But should we be teaching the values of equity instead of equality?

The difference between equality and equity

For children, equality is much more visible than equity. And often what they demand is equality. However, as the adults in the room, could we possibly change their outlook? For example, if a parent is pouring out juice for two of their children, the parent will usually compare the levels of liquid in their respective glasses to ensure that both have got a similar amount. When this is given to each child, they will often automatically look at each other’s glasses to ensure that no discrepancy has occurred, and will be very invested in deciphering who got more or less than whom.

However, the currency of attention is less visible, less tangible and far less measurable. But if we allow our children to become over-concerned with equality and not grasp the concept of equity, then we are at risk of reinforcing this misunderstanding and creating a race for our visible attention, which can lead to difficult behaviours.

So what is the difference between equality and equity? Equality means that each individual or group of children is given the same resources or opportunities. However, equity recognises that each child has different needs and circumstances and allows for the resources and opportunities each child needs to reach an equal outcome. It is inevitable that in groups of children, some will need more resources, support or help than others. Unable to identify the subtle difference, most children will see this as additional attention.

But what constitutes ‘attention’? Attention and visibility can be seen as positive expressions of validation or recognition, or negative expressions of sanction and disapproval. As social beings, we all seek and value recognition and attention, and at times in whatever form is most visible.

There is no measure for love

In my work I have often said to parents: ‘Your child says they feel invisible’. Understandably, most find this difficult to hear: ‘That’s impossible, I bring them to GAA three times a week, I take them to their friend’s houses and pick them up every time they want to go’. But the young person might say ‘Yes, but you never ask me how I am’.  There is a difference in what the parent and the child consider as ‘attention’, a common source of family miscommunication and fallout.

What we perceive as ‘quality attention’ differs from person to person, and even more so from child to child. Some children, owing to their temperament, require more reassurance of their visibility than others. Children with an insecure temperament may need ‘attention’ in greater quantities than more self-sufficient children. 

A child who feels insecure can tend to keep an eye on the tokens of attention, passing remarks like ‘you kissed her twice when you were saying goodnight, but you only kissed me once, which must mean you love her more than me’. Very often at this point that we either even up the kisses tally or dismiss the child as being over-sensitive, when perhaps what's needed is to explain that love is not something to be measured or compared in this way.

An example of equity is often observed during the Leaving Cert exam period. Traditionally the teenager doing the state exams may get some extra attention around this time. They are asked to do fewer chores, their irritability is tolerated a bit more and everyone in the house tries to be quiet while they are studying. This is often seen as a blatant example of favouritism and is often commented on by the other, usually younger, siblings who have to pick up the slack and do their jobs. 

It is at this point that a culture of equity will pay off. Each child will know that, yes,  things are a little unfair just now, but when it is your turn to do your state exam, the same allowances will be made for you.

In more complex circumstances, this dynamic can occur if one child in the family has a child with additional needs. They may have multiple appointments to attend, perhaps some hospital stays, but more often there may be different allowances for their behaviour at home. This can inevitably create a disparity with the non-affected siblings.

 I have seen this happen many times in my clinical career where the sibling of the child with additional needs develops low self-worth and feelings of inferiority because they are judging their parents' attention from the perspective of equality rather than what is equitable.

Another potential trap is that challenging behaviour attracts more attention than good behaviour. This is the ‘squeaky wheel syndrome’, the squeaky wheel being the only one that we oil. In family life, this means the child with the greatest needs or loudest voice commands the most visibility. 

Recognising the good child

I am a great believer in ‘catching children being good’. Too often when they are quiet and behaving well we decide to leave well enough alone. It can be easy to see this as an opportunity to catch up on housework. What if instead of doing the washing you gave them an unexpected treat and said, ‘It is really lovely to see you getting along and being independent - have a treat, you deserve it’. Such an acknowledgement would tell your children they are seen and loved, even when they are quiet.

It’s important not to fall into the trap of setting an expectation that everything will be equal all the time, because unfortunately, as life repeatedly teaches us, it rarely is. However, let’s promote the value system of an equitable family culture which will mean that when you need something, your parents will be there for you. And if good behaviour fails to attract the attention and visibility that the child wants or needs, they will invest in an alternative means of getting it. 

Why not put this sign up on the fridge this summer to remind ourselves to ‘Catch them being good'.