Richard Hogan: Our sons’ gaming is causing conflict in our family

You need to be on the same side as your partner before you ever think about developing parental strategies for your children.

Summer can be a really difficult time for parents of children who like to game Picture: Sean Gallup/Getty Images

Richard, I read your article a few weeks ago about the summer holidays and children’s gaming and it had really helpful advice. I actually attended a talk you gave at my sons school too because my two boys have always gamed a little bit too much and it has caused huge conflict in the family. I found a lot of what you said helped me at the time but now the summer is here, I really don’t know what to do. 

Living in my house at the moment is very stressful. What you said about Covid and gaming is so true, it has massively increased their gaming habit and I don’t know what to do. My husband doesn’t think they game that much but he is at work and doesn’t see what happens during the day. I blame my husband for bringing these games into our family. It feels like it is me against my sons and husband. 

I don’t know what to do, but I feel like I’m losing these beautiful boys to the game. The language they use when they play is appalling, and when I come into the room and ask them to stop they turn on me and use the same language at me. When my husband comes home and I explain what has happened I can see that he thinks I’m exaggerating. I’m so unhappy in the house and the way my family is turning out. Please, any advice would really help.

Thank you for your email. It sounds like these last four weeks have been really difficult for you and the family. The first thing that strikes me about what you said is that yourself and your husband are not united when it comes to your children’s gaming habit. I have met this so many times in my clinic and it is always a huge cause of conflict in families. But it is fixable. It is very important, before you attempt to bring in any gaming policy into that family, that yourself and your husband agree on the approach. It is doomed to failure if you do not both agree on the strategy. 

Sit down with your husband and discuss your experience of the children during the day and what you think needs to happen to help your children manage their gaming habit in a healthier way. Remember, what I always say; gaming is here to stay, it’s not about getting rid of the games but about allowing your children to live with them and without them. You said you blame your husband for bringing the games into the house, maybe your husband feels this and is defensive because he too feels guilty about what is happening but doesn’t know what to do about it. By removing blame you might help your husband to feel less guilty and this might remove the resistance that you feel when you discuss the games with him. 

When we blame someone, it more than likely forces the other person into a defensive position, when this happens communication breaks down. It did sound like you are quite isolated in your family unit. I would make sure that you outline your experience to your husband very clearly. It might be very helpful for you both to go and see someone who would frame that conversation in a compassionate and non-judgmental way. I really think that you both need to reconnect with each other before you ever think about developing parental strategies for your children. 

The busyness of our lives and the demands on us as couples are great, it can so easily happen that we lose an important part of the connection we once had as we navigate life as parents. This might be a very important moment in both of your lives. Perhaps, your husband is feeling this too, but hasn’t had the language to express it. So, when you talk to your husband about it perhaps suggest that talking to a professional might be beneficial for you both.

Children can see when parents are not aligned. When there is inconsistent parenting styles an inverted hierarchy can take control of the family and this can cause so much conflict. A family that operates under an inverted hierarchy will never be at peace so it is crucial for the health of your family that both parents are saying the same thing. Your children’s language, while worrying and inappropriate, is not uncommon when playing these games. 

Children generally use bad language when they are with their friends out playing football and parents don’t hear it. These multiplayer games connect them to friends and often they are showing off by using such language. Again, there needs to be a boundary around language and the game. 

But before you bring in any rules I think it's vitally important that you connect with your husband and develop a coherent parenting style that will allow your children to manage their gaming habit in a healthier way. I also think it will allow you both to reconnect and feel more united not only about how you parent your children but how you feel about each other.