Learning Points: Our children need limits, even in lockdown

Parents can feel that they are letting their children live boundary-free because of everything that is going on. But a healthy boundary is key to development

Parents are very concerned their children will develop a dependency on devices.

Boundaries. We hear so much about them. We know that children crave them. We know that children who live without boundaries will struggle in their adult life because they have never had to understand there are ramification and consequences for their behaviours.

 Parents can really feel, at the moment, that they are letting their children live boundary-free because of everything that is going on. The impact of this third lockdown on our wellbeing has been incalculable. 

As parents, we can feel like we are not doing our job if our children are out of their routine. This can be another pressure on us. 

But we have to remember that a sensible boundary is one that is not too rigid. Boundaries should never be too fixed, they must be able to move to suit the current situation. 

A healthy boundary is one that does not annihilate the spirit of your child but rather allows them to flourish. When a healthy boundary is challenged, it should move slightly and come back into place. Children should not feel that a boundary will destroy them if they challenge it. 

This is probably one of the most common mistakes parents make when setting boundaries; they never think about how they will react when the boundary is broken. 

And of course, in the teenage years, our children will test the boundaries to see what they are made of. This is a healthy part of your child’s maturation. So it is important to think before you set your boundary, what will we do when they break it?

Parents contact me every day worried about their teenager's device use at the moment. And of course, it is a worry, parents are very concerned that their children will develop a dependency on devices they might struggle with when this is all over. 

This global health crisis has catapulted us into the future in relation to the work we do and how we think about our working environment. Every disruption to the status quo causes change and nothing has quite disrupted us like this pandemic in recent times. 

So we are in the middle of a global shift. In all of this change and disruption, it is also important to realise that technology has kept us connected, too. It is very easy to bash technology. But what would we have done without online schooling and Zoom calls with our friends and families? 

So, when parents ask me about what is a healthy boundary to have in the home currently, I start off by explaining that very fact. We have never had to face something like this before and hopefully, we will never have to face it again. 

We must first of all manage our own expectations of ourselves as parents. This is crucial during this difficult phase of the pandemic. We have to give ourselves a break. And stop expecting everything to be like it was before the lockdown. 

We must also manage our children in a way that doesn’t cause huge conflict in the family. Remember it will be over soon and their reliance on technology will dissipate once things open up again. 

That was the thing that really struck me about the easing of restrictions after the first lockdown. 

Students were starving for contact with their friends. I saw it so clearly in school. Students who used to be on their phones during lunch all excitedly chatting to each other and connecting.

Of course, that does not mean we allow our children to be on their devices day and night. Of course not. But a healthy boundary is one that takes the current situation into account and changes slightly to meet the huge change in our lives. What I mean by this is that you cannot implement the same boundary you had before lockdown at the moment. It is not fit for purpose and will only cause massive conflict in the house. 

This period of time is about managing everything so that it does not place strain on everyone in the house. Expecting your child not to be on their devices more than usual is an unreasonable expectation and will lead to a conflicted house. Have rules that can be followed during lockdown. 

Non-negotiable rules might include no swearing while playing and no devices past 10pm. If they break those, the boundary moves slightly (you don’t throw the game in the bin) but they lose some privileges and they get those back after they show that they can manage themselves again. 

The premise behind boundaries is that you teach your children how to make the right decision when you are not there. But one of the biggest boundaries we need to put into place is the one we place around ourselves at the moment. Getting through the next few weeks without too much conflict might just be enough.