Dear Louise: My wife has no interest in an intimate relationship with me and I don't know why

Louise offers her advice to a husband who feels like he signed up for a lifetime without intimate affection

"It’s not just sex. I try to initiate some kissing or cuddles at night without any reciprocation." Picture: iStock

My wife has no interest in having an intimate relationship with me, and despite my best efforts, I don’t know why, or what else I can do. In every other respect, our relationship is good. We’re in our 30s with small kids and we get on really well. We have a comfortable standard of living and no money problems. We have a shared sense of humour and we manage parenting duties well between us. Obviously, having children can disrupt things, but even allowing for that (and before they arrived), we have gone through long phases without intimacy. It’s not just sex. I try to initiate some kissing or cuddles at night without any reciprocation. I try flirting with her — pay her little compliments, little jokes and so on — but get nothing back.

I’ve brought this up a number of times over the years, but she either can’t or won’t communicate as to how we can improve things. She assures me that she loves me, has no issues with me in terms of me helping around the house and with the kids, and has said she’s sorry I feel the way I do — but does nothing to address it. I’ve suggested counselling to no avail. We don’t fight or row, and even these uncomfortable conversations are calm and level-headed. I love my wife and my family, I could never leave them, but it terrifies me that I’ve signed up for a lifetime without intimate affection. I don’t feel like I should feel wrong for wanting that.

I was struck by how often you used the word ‘intimacy’ because really, that’s at the root of all this. Unless both partners are asexual, sex is an important part of a romantic relationship.

In monogamy, we take an oath of sorts, agreeing that sex will be sacred, something we only share with the other person. Often, sex is what marks this as different to our other important relationships — we rarely have sex with friends, for example, or with our housemates or colleagues. Besides the physical pleasure, sex is a way of connecting and being close to our partner. It is, as you said, about intimacy. Because of that, I’m almost more concerned about your wife’s disinterest in cuddling and kissing because it speaks to a larger disconnect from that essential intimacy between you.

I’m curious to know what your sex life was like at the beginning of your relationship.

Obviously, most people find that the honeymoon period of wanting to rip each other’s clothes off at any given opportunity rarely lasts after the first year and they soon settle into a comfortable routine that suits them both.

But when you started dating, were you content with the level of physical affection then?

Is this a relatively new thing or has there always been an incompatibility between your libidos?

I want to be clear here; there is no ‘normal’ amount of sex to have. There are those who want sex daily but for some, once a week is sufficient, and for others, once a month is more than enough. Desire can fluctuate over time, depending on age and health and circumstances, but a good indicator of success if we have a similar sex drive and even if we don’t, is that a reasonable compromise can be found where we both feel respected and satisfied.

As I mentioned, there are many factors that can impact on our libido. A global pandemic, for example, might fill someone with so much anxiety that they don’t have room left for their sexuality. Past trauma, especially if it’s sexual, can profoundly affect our sex lives. I don’t have children but I know from talking to friends that it also has an impact. Changes in their weight, episiotomy stitches, and breastfeeding can leave many women feeling as if their bodies are not their own anymore, while sleep deprivation makes them less likely to get in the mood. Stress, mental health issues, medication, the contraceptive pill, hormonal fluctuations — these can all negatively impact our sex drive. And while reading your letter, it’s difficult to see what the reason for this issue is, given how strong your relationship seems to be in every other way.

It’s clear there is only one thing you can do. If you want to know the reason for your wife’s lack of response to your overtures, you have to ask her. I know you said you tried to address this already but have you asked her outright why she doesn’t want to have sex with you? Have you asked if she has sexual fantasies or if she still masturbates? Is this a physical or emotional issue? Have you explained to her, in the same detail as you did in your letter to me, the impact this is having on your self-confidence and that although you love her deeply, you’re afraid of spending the rest of your life without any physical intimacy?

Because you’re right, you know. You shouldn’t feel wrong for wanting that intimacy. It’s a perfectly natural thing to want. But your wife must have her reasons for avoiding that intimacy and until you find out why, nothing is going to change. I think couple’s counselling (or preferably sex therapy) is your best option here. I know your wife has been reluctant to go in the past but hopefully when you explain to her how important this is to you, she’ll be more open to the idea.

Too many couples see counselling as a last-ditch resort to save a failing marriage rather than an invaluable tool to help you connect to one another on a deeper level. There are many things that are extraordinarily difficult, if not impossible, to overcome in a relationship: abuse, neglect, chronic infidelity etc. In comparison, a lack of physical intimacy is relatively easier to work on if you find the right therapist to support you both through this process.

I hope you find your way back to each other.