Dear Louise: My wife has no interest in an intimate relationship with me and I don't know why

Louise offers her advice to a husband who feels like he signed up for a lifetime without intimate affection

"It’s not just sex. I try to initiate some kissing or cuddles at night without any reciprocation." Picture: iStock

My wife has no interest in having an intimate relationship with me, and despite my best efforts, I don’t know why, or what else I can do. In every other respect, our relationship is good. We’re in our 30s with small kids and we get on really well. We have a comfortable standard of living and no money problems. We have a shared sense of humour and we manage parenting duties well between us. Obviously, having children can disrupt things, but even allowing for that (and before they arrived), we have gone through long phases without intimacy. It’s not just sex. I try to initiate some kissing or cuddles at night without any reciprocation. I try flirting with her — pay her little compliments, little jokes and so on — but get nothing back.

I’ve brought this up a number of times over the years, but she either can’t or won’t communicate as to how we can improve things. She assures me that she loves me, has no issues with me in terms of me helping around the house and with the kids, and has said she’s sorry I feel the way I do — but does nothing to address it. I’ve suggested counselling to no avail. We don’t fight or row, and even these uncomfortable conversations are calm and level-headed. I love my wife and my family, I could never leave them, but it terrifies me that I’ve signed up for a lifetime without intimate affection. I don’t feel like I should feel wrong for wanting that.