Dear Louise: 'My friend is stuck in a rut and won't accept my help'

Louise O'Neill offers advice to someone who is overly concerned for her friend's career prospect of overall mental wellbeing

"I've offered to review her CV and cover letter, help update her LinkedIn profile, and introduce her to work contacts, but she declines."

Q: My friend has been unemployed for three years. 

I've offered to review her CV and cover letter, help update her LinkedIn profile, and introduce her to work contacts, but she declines. 

She says that she is avoiding applying for roles as she doesn't know how to explain to recruiters the large gap in her employment history, and she is unwilling to take an entry level position and work her way up. I’m becoming increasingly annoyed at her lack of effort, as I found it difficult to find a job when I graduated into a severe recession but I persevered. 

Friends suggested I leave it, which I did. But purposely never asking about her life is uncomfortable as I think honesty is important in a friendship. I know she's stuck in a rut; she spends all her time with her family, she's not dating, seeing other friends, volunteering, exercising, etc. I've been open with her about my own mental health problems. I've encouraged her to go to a doctor or a counsellor for advice, but she says she doesn't need to. I think her problems won't go away unless she starts making some small steps to address them, but I don't know how to handle this situation correctly.

It feels like an elephant in the room, this unspoken tension between us.  

A: Giiiiirl. Take one step back. Then take another 20 and we might be getting somewhere.

I don’t mean to sound harsh but surely you can see that you are far too invested in this situation? There’s a difference between caring about the people we love and wanting the best for them, and attempting to micro-manage their lives. 

Can you see where that line is anymore? I suppose the first question I have for you is this — is your friend asking for your help with her life, personally or professionally? We’ve all had that experience, where someone will repeatedly ask for our advice but never take it. 

Instead, they talk ad-nauseum about their terrible boyfriend or over-bearing boss without ever actually doing anything to change it. It’s frustrating, for sure, and often we have to lay down ground rules to preserve our own sanity. 

We tell our friend that we love them and we want them to be happy but we can’t keep having the same conversation over and over again. The issue with your letter is that never once do you say your friend is actively looking to you for guidance. 

In fact, when you have offered support — to review her CV, to introduce her to people in the industry she wants to break into, etc — she has declined. Her reasons for doing so might not make sense to you but at the end of the day, they are her reasons. 

You have to respect that because respect is an integral part of any relationship. Do you respect your friend? Forgive me if I’m wrong but this letter doesn’t suggest that you do. I have no doubt you love her dearly, but your words seem to be laced with resentment. I’m not saying that you don’t have reasons to be exasperated — it’s hard to help people who won’t help themselves — but I can’t help but wonder why this is bothering you so much. 

You write that you found it difficult to get a job when you graduated in the middle of a recession. “It’s not easy,” you said in your slightly longer letter. “You have to work hard at it.” Does it annoy you that your friend doesn’t seem to be doing that work when you had to? Sometimes when we have struggled with great hardship (and you mentioned your own mental health struggles in your letter, so I’m presuming you would count those as such), it can feel very confronting when other people don’t make the same sacrifices that we did in order to overcome it. Does that resonate with you? Could that be the reason why you are over-identifying with your friend’s issues?

Listen. I know you want to be a good friend. 

You have done so much for this woman, from offering practical solutions about her career to talking openly about your mental health in the hope it would encourage her to do the same. When other friends have told you to leave it, your discomfort about that course of action is also clearly rooted in your desire to be a decent friend. I just wonder if it might be helpful to take a slightly different approach. If you’re worried that she isn’t exercising, why don’t you arrange to meet her at a nearby beach or woods, and go for a gentle walk together? 

You write that “purposely never asking about her life” would feel awkward for you but you can ask about her life in a way that isn’t interrogating her about how many CVs she sent out that week! You write that she is interested in American politics and that she is very close to her family. Can you meet her halfway and discuss these subjects, given she’s probably more at ease talking about that then her employment status right now? 

You can always tell her that you’re here if she wants to talk about a job application or her anxiety, but give her enough space to come to you this time. And keep asking her to come to events with you, even if she refuses. You never know when she might change her mind.

Ultimately, I would ask you to bear in mind that the “elephant in the room”, this “unspoken tension” between the two of you, might not have anything to do with how long she has been on social welfare. It might be rooted in your judgement of your friend, her life, and her choices. In order to be the loving friend that I know you want to be, letting go of that judgement would be a good place to start.