Learning Points: my child is terrified of returning to school 

Richard Hogan reaches into his mailbag to answer a back to school query from a worried parent

Many children are worried about returning to school. Parents can help ease their concerns by speaking with them in a calm manner.

Question: 

My 8-year-old daughter is very anxious about going back to school. She has started to come into my bed at night. She tells us that she does not want to get Covid-19 and kill her grandparents. She has started to get night terrors. Our elderly neighbour passed away from Coronavirus and I think she overheard myself and my husband talking about this. I know we shouldn’t have talked about it but I am a worrier too and I’m very concerned about her going back to school. I have tried to contact the school many times but I get the same generic response ‘they are doing everything to ensure the safety of the children’. I don’t think that is good enough and now my daughter is asking to stay at home. I taught her myself during lockdown and I am seriously thinking of home-schooling her from now on. My husband and I are not in agreement and it is causing huge tension. I really need help here as I feel like things are spiralling out of control and I’m letting my daughter down. She wants to stay at home; surely we should listen to her.

Answer

Firstly, I’d like to offer my condolences. This virus has really impacted every facet of society, we have all been touched by it and I am very sorry to read that your neighbour lost their life to it. 

Your daughter does sound like she is struggling to comprehend what is going on around her. The fact that her sleep is disrupted and she has developed night terrors is a very clear sign that she is not coping with everything that is going on in her life at the moment. 

Of course, many children are worried about going back to school. They have never been out of school for so long and now they are being told they will be going back into the school environment in less than two weeks. So, routines are being disrupted. Children form routines very quickly and the human brain is designed to repeat comfortable patterns of behaviour, so going back to school is interrupting this sense of comfort.

There has been a lot of uncertainty around the reopening of schools too. Uncertainty creates discomfort, so it is easy to understand why a child would find going back to school challenging. Coupled with this, the government hasn’t been very transparent about the process because a pandemic like this is a day-to-day experience and they are watching what is happening across the globe to see how they should proceed with reopening here. All of this is adding to a sense of systemic unease about going back to school. This pandemic has challenged us in ways we never dreamed we would be challenged but we must now rise to that and help our children navigate this next difficult phase of this pandemic.

There will be a lot of discussion on TV and radio about the reopening of schools and I would suggest keeping this from your child. The fact that she heard about your neighbour’s death has added to her sense of worry and is probably the reason she is so concerned about getting the virus and passing it to her grandparents. This thought is very destructive for her wellbeing and I would imagine one of the reasons why she is coming into you at night. The idea that she could kill her grandparents is something you will need to discuss with her. Sit her down and talk to her in a very calm way. Explain to her that she will not pass on the virus because the school is organising that they will be grouped in pods. Make this sound exciting. They will really get to know each other. 

You said that you are a ‘worrier too’, it is crucial that you speak with your child in a calm way and that you listen to her. It is important that your body language is congruent to what you are saying. When we give children mixed messages it can really disturb their sense of security and further increase their anxiety. For example, if you are telling your child that ‘everything will be fine’ but you are wringing your hands or picking the skin under your nails your child will be very confused and this will damage their sense of security. Before you sit down with your daughter, talk with your husband first. You both need to be aligned in the next steps you take as parents. If you are not, it will further increase tension and this will manifest itself through your daughter. So, go for a drive with your husband and have a discussion about what your fears are and what you feel is the most productive move to make for your child’s future.

 I have three daughters myself going back to school this month, and I know the concerns I have. None of us wants to put our children in harm's way. But I also know the government and the schools are doing everything to ensure the safety of our children. I would advise reading the guidelines; they might put your own anxiety at rest. Your child will not be mixing with the entire school milieu, they will be in pods. So if one child gets Covid-19 they will be able to control the spread of it.

How we talk to our children over the next two weeks is vitally important for their development into adulthood. There is a challenge ahead of us, we must show them how we meet a challenge. When we do this in a clear and calm way we will have shown them what resilience is truly like.