A heartbreaking legacy

18 years ago today I got engaged to Paul. But he took his life after years of depression and drinking. If I had known then what I know now, the outcome may have been different, says Joan Mitchell.

I was 28 when he died. That night I asked my mother if I could sleep in bed with her. I was too scared on my own

PAUL was my first love. We used to meet in our local hotel, after the dance on a Sunday night, and snog in his Transit van before he dropped me home. I was funny and carefree, but arrogant for 18. I was going to college in England and I didn’t need a joiner from ‘bally-go-backwards’. Even when he made me learn his address by heart, I knew I would never write.