Colm O'Regan: It's all Greek with the release of Odysseus but what about the weird myths we loved growing up? 

Matt Damon as Odysseus and Zendaya as Athena in The Odyssey. Picture: Universal Studios. 

Now that it’s all Greek to us with the release of Odysseus, Hollywood must surely turn its big-screen attention to some of the other classics.

If they are wondering which ones to remake, can I recommend a rule of thumb — did it feature in the Folens primary school readers from the 1980s? Somewhere between Stage 2 Book 5 Myth and Magic and Stage 3 Flying Colours or Silver Springs, we small children were agog at the doings of the Greeks.

There wasn’t much talk of The Odyssey at that stage. Folens probably figured a house full of suitors slaughtering Odysseus' cattle, propositioning his wife and importuning his slaves was not something we were ready for outside of Mass.

But we definitely learned about the Wooden Horse of Troy. Unlike other myths, people think there might have been a war in that area. There mightn’t have been a giant 30-man horse, but maybe there was a smaller one with one or two people hiding in it.

Or no horse at all, just a siege-engine with a horse’s head that knocked the walls. Or a boat that looked like a horse.

Still though, whatever the reality, the story was remembered 2,000 years later. Because it had one detail you could hang onto so you’d forget the madness of the other stuff.

That’s why Icarus flying too close to the sun stuck with us. Despite what his father told him. Teachers must have absolutely LOVED doing that one. The king of all I Told You So, And You Wouldn’t Listen and Now your Wax Wing Sealant Has Melted, And You’re Dead stories.

“Come down off that wall you’ll break your legs” on steroids. If you think about Irish myths, what do you remember? Maybe the Salmon of Knowledge? Why? Because a child did The One Thing They Were Told Not To.

Theseus and the Minotaur: A star of Folens Stage Two Book 5 Myth and Magic. Unforgettable for a lot of things: first, the ball of thread that Ariadne gives Theseus to find his way back.

There’s something about the breadcrumbs of Hansel and Gretel and the thread of Theseus. I think it really stuck with us because of a fear of getting lost and how to find our way back. The whole bull-man thing.

What was the story there? Wisely, Folens steered clear of how the Minotaur, human mother, bull father came to be. Let’s say the line from Father Ted: “I think we want to steer clear of the whole area of being in love with the horse” is relevant here. So there was no mention the Minotaur’s mother had a wooden frame shaped like a cow built.

The myths we learned and loved are based on some of the most effed-up, weird stuff.

I’m not sure if it was in English class we heard about Hercules. He had the mother of all TO DO Lists — 12 things in total — various lions, hydras, and belts to contend with, but what has always stuck with me is that he was clearing out the Augean stables.

Some 1,000 divine cows, prodigious amounts of shite. This was considered fantastical and mythical before milk quotas were done away with. Now it’s just “an economically viable agricultural unit”.

If you’ve ever cleaned cowshite out of a shed, you’ll know the only thing keeping you going is the sense of progress. But imagine doing it with no progress. Hercules eventually cleans out the stables by diverting two rivers to flush them out. No Nitrates Directive there.

I wonder what myths are being made now that will last. We can’t assume a continuous record from now for the next 2,000 years. What mad story will last and puzzle archaeologists? Maybe Folens will play a part. The year 4026 begins with the exciting discovery of an old Ann and Barry book.