Richard Hogan: Burn-out is a frightening enemy for parents... here's how to beat it

I would ask all parents: What did you last laugh at... then urge them to do more of it

We want our children to look at us and think, being an adult looks like fun. I don’t think that is happening currently. Picture: iStock

Those first moments of coming to consciousness; supine, you allow that old diurnal swing to wash over you, and then you think, what’s on today? The horror.

A litany unfolds; the lunches (you didn’t do them last night, damn you for being tired). Uniforms, bags to pack, walk the dog, wake everyone up gently, so they’re up and out on time for school. Clean down the counters so you don’t have a mess to come home to. Heads to brush, and teeth to make sure are clean.

The day’s work we all do before heading to do the work we get paid for. And then the question, what’s on this evening? GAA, swimming, scouts, tennis, gymnastics, hockey, a play date somewhere far away, a birthday party, did you get the card they asked for? What will we have for dinner? When will you find the time to cook it? Will they even eat it?

Ah yes, modern life, it is complicated and exhausting. Aren’t we all just a little burnt-out? Don’t we all expect a little too much of ourselves? It would almost be impossible not to find yourself exhausted by the end of the day.

Modern parenting is more demanding than ever before. We are surrounded by advice on how to be the perfect parent. Apparently, we must never raise our voices to our children, that will damage them, and we must constantly reassure them how wonderful they are. Great advice, TikTok.

Parents often worry that they might be letting their child down if they don’t have a fully packed schedule and activities for them to do. When I think of my own childhood growing up in Douglas in Cork, I don’t think my parents ever organised a playdate for me to go to. They didn’t have to. I was out running around, meeting friends.

The idea that my parents would have organised something for me to do would have probably made me want to do the opposite. Now, I know things have changed, but our children still need to go out in their local area and organise their own fun.

Parenting has turned into a kind of PR exercise, where we are the ones arranging and planning their next social engagement. ‘Yes, I have Jane pencilled in for a playdate at 2pm, then you have a call with Susan at 3.30pm and scouts at 4pm, we expect you’ll be home and in bed for 8pm.’ It is an exhausting, endless task.

The amount of parents I work with that are completely burnt-out is frightening. They are coming into my clinic, wondering how they can be a more effective parent, and I’m pointing out that they cannot compartmentalise themselves from parenting.

I ask a simple question: “When was the last time you laughed or did something fun, just for you?” The silence settles in the room.

I have noticed, over the last number of years, that teenagers don’t want to grow up. I hear this so often in my clinic, and I think it’s awful that children are scared of the future.

When I analyse it and talk to them about what they are seeing in the adult world that scares them, they describe the picture I painted at the start of this column, lunches, dropping and collecting children from activities, uniforms to wash, etc. They are looking at us and coming to the conclusion that it looks like too much to handle. And, it is.

They see we’re stressed, burnt-out and not enjoying our lives. That has to change. A healthy person makes a healthy parent. An exhausted person, depleted emotionally and physically, is going to make a less happy, and less effective parent.

Burn-out is real and it is dangerous. It causes a lot more illness than is reported. I think parents take on too much.

We all want our children to be part of activities and have a social group to connect with. But we cannot be the only means by which that happens. We also need to take time for ourselves.

We want our children to look at us and think, being an adult looks like fun. I don’t think that is happening currently.

A healthy family is one that allows you to be a part of it and separate from it. We should never lose ourselves in this dance of parenting. We have an identity and we should hold on to that tightly.

You can become ‘mom’ or ‘dad’ very quickly and that is an all-encompassing identity. But we should never give ourselves away completely to anything. We all should have time to ourselves free from being a parent.

When we are chronically stressed, which I think many of us are today, dopamine receptors decrease, this means when we think about something nice we don’t actually feel good. That is a dangerous place for our psychology to get caught in.

The way out of that state is rest and having a bit of fun in your life. Laughing is such an important thing to do, it allows those receptors to grow back.

The question I’ll leave you with is, what did you last laugh at? Do more of whatever it is that tickles your funny bone, and stop thinking you have to martyr yourself so your children can have the perfect childhood.

They won’t thank you for it, and there is no perfect childhood.