Esther McCarthy: Does a bear hit on women in the woods?

Bears: less liable to be dishonest about their motivations. Pic: iStock

Picture this, female readers: You’re walking alone, deep in the woods. 

Would you prefer to encounter a random man or a random bear? 

If you haven’t heard about the viral man-or-bear debate, this is the hypothetical question that is getting the internet all in a tizzy.

It started with a TikTok video by Screenshot HQ, posing this seemingly innocuous scenario. 

What’s interesting, and why it’s still doing the rounds, with ever-increasing hashtags, groups, and memes, is the number of women who instinctively choose the bear — and the reaction that incites in an alarming number of men.

Women have been sharing their lived experiences and reasoning behind their pro-bear stance — and a lot of the internet bros are having none of it, the gobshites.

“You’re more likely to get others to help if you shout ‘bear’, than if you shout ‘rape’,” shares one female poster.

“You can tell when the bear is going to attack, while a man will act like they are helping you,” explains another.

OK, let’s imagine I’m in Farran Woods and it is known for its thriving bear population (it’s the only forest I can think of, don’t come here for geographical accuracy, OK).

So anyway, I get attacked by a big bastard of a bear. You’ll be glad to hear I survive. When I make it out, battered but with my indomitable spirit intact, I know people will believe me. 

I won’t worry, when I report it down at the Garda station, if they’re going to be concerned about what I was wearing. “Now missus, tell us, was that skirt that short on entering the forest?”

I’m not going to be afraid of mutterings about my honey-scented perfume or talk about that time I totally led another bear on. 

There’s not going to be a WhatsApp group set up to bitch about that incident in college when I necked seven tequilas and fell down the stairs in Gorby’s after word spreads I’m going to be interviewed on The Late Late Show.

“Yes, Patrick, I played dead until he tired of batting me about like a ball of wool, it’s fair to say I AM smarter than the average bear.”

My main worry would be my reconstructive surgery and whether Netflix will pay me for my script (working title: ‘BabyReinbear’). 

I don’t think I’d have to add the possibility of the bear sharing pictures of the attack with his buddies to my woes. 

And if the bear had to go to court about his unprovoked attack on me, his unicycle coach probably wouldn’t take the stand to say what a fine, upstanding character he is and how he’s a credit to the circus trainee community. 

I’m mangling the analogy now, but this has sparked a really important discussion about the whole shitty rape culture we live with.

But the dudes aren’t getting it. 

A lot of the responses I’ve seen are along the lines of: “Check out the attention-seeking feminists. Of course you wouldn’t choose the bear. Do you know what a bear would do to you? Liars.”

Jeez, guys. Thanks for helping us figure out you’re one of the dudes to avoid in the woods. 

Cue the memes of women getting mauled with captions like: “They wouldn’t choose the bear, and it’s not the last thing they’ll lie about.” 

Another shows a cartoon man asking a woman: “So the bear is better because it’s predictable?”

“Yes, exactly,” replies the woman. “A bear would never falsely accuse a man of assault to ruin his life.” Sigh.

Just this morning I saw a video showing a woman asking her husband the question, he picks “man” without hesitation. 

Then she asks him man or bear: “But it’s our daughter in the woods?” He stops, thinks about it, and chooses bear. 

Look fellas, I’m sure the only violence you wreak is when ‘Murder on the Dancefloor’ comes on, cos that’s your jam, but the fact is, from a very young age, we females are trained to be hyper aware of ourselves. 

Every minutiae of how we communicate has an undercurrent. It’s how we dress, how brightly we smile — or don’t smile. 

Left your drink unsupervised? Sure you’re asking to be roofied, ya eejit. 

The messaging that the bear-choosing women are trying to get across is we need to constantly police our behaviour, language, and choices just to survive the cultural space we occupy.

#Notallmen? Obviously, we know that. It’s not about the good ones. 

But the depressing truth of it is we can’t know if that rando dude in the woods is one of the goodies or the baddies. With the bear, we know to be wary. 

World Health Organization statistics say across our lifetime, one in three women are subjected to physical or sexual violence. 

An unknown man is simply scarier than an unknown bear. We are instinctively angsty about being in isolation with a man because we have learned to be.

It’s an epidemic, this violence, that’s a fact of every culture and country, regardless of the wildlife. 

Yogi Bear might pilfer your pic-a-nic basket but he won’t slide into your DMs and send you an unsolicited dick-a-pic.