Colm O'Regan: I don’t need my veg to win prizes at the Tate. Sometimes I just want peas
Often restaurant veg is the chef showcasing how to barely cook something and then truss it up in its own leaves as an example to other vegetables who might be getting ideas.
We always do an oooh in a restaurant. Even if the main course is ‘Battered batter.’ There is something so lovely about getting food brought to you. Leave the grubby matter of money to one side. Whether it’s the Tesco Man or Monsieur Le Posh at The White Lotus, it’s an act of kindness.
But there was extra woo this time. There was something different about the veg that came with the spuds and meat. It was a big pile of PEAS. We were pleased.
It’s normally never peas. Often restaurant veg is the chef showcasing how to barely cook something and then truss it up in its own leaves as an example to other vegetables who might be getting ideas.
I know the Irish have been traumatised by centuries of veg being boiled down to effluent. But surely there must be a half way between that and greens that have been just glanced at?
Anyway. The peas. It got me thinking, why aren’t peas absolutely everywhere on every menu? A magic food that everyone loves.
Chippers have the mushy peas but unfortunately, they’ve become cool. Which is the worst thing that could happen because they start turning up in swanky places and let’s be honest, mushy peas are only ‘alright’.
A lot of us grew up in an era where the pea choice was between mush and marrowfat (which can also be used as ball bearings) so, ‘ok mushy’ it’ll have to be’.
But thanks to storage and transport improvements, there’s a lot more access to nice peas. And it’s just as well.
The youngest is picky. Weird picky though. She’ll eat small tomatoes while like gobstoppers. A thing I didn’t do until I was in my thirties. She’ll eat raw carrots watching cartoons. A thing I won’t do until my fifties.
But there is a long list of things she won’t eat.
She’ll eat peas though. So when we go into restaurants we’ll ask, “would ye have any peas?” A surprising amount of them say “no”.
How could you not have peas? Is your inventory control so tight, so ‘Japanese car-factory, just in time’, like Toyota that there isn’t room for even a few moments of peas?
I wonder do restaurants think that if you’re going to charge a premium for food you can’t just be bringing out something that anyone could make. That you’d do in a few minutes.
So you see a lot of green beans that slide around on the plate avoiding your knife. I understand that green beans look swanky and restauranty and more expensive. And you might buy green beans in the shop but you forget about them and they become grey beans.
Well I’m here to tell restaurants, I promise I won’t accuse you of ripping me off if it’s just a giant pile of peas. I don’t care. I don’t need my veg to win prizes at the Tate. Sometimes I just want peas.
And peas are magic. They grow in Ireland.
They have actual protein in them so if you were changing it up a bit meat wise and worried that your diet was missing out on some haemoglobin and muscle-making ingredients, then peas are the job.
I know it doesn’t “feel” like they have protein. Protein should be bloody, right? but if farmers are growing peas and beans for protein for their animals then take a hint.
And peas are a delicacy. I grow them and watch the chosen few stalks that escape the ground-pests, the ones that soar about the slippery maw of the slugs and make little sleeping bags of juiciness. And when they’re ready I eat them like jellytots.
So pretty please, give peas a chance.
