Richard Hogan: Can I separate from my partner without damaging the children?

Dear Richard, my wife and I are separating. We have two children, 12 and 10. We would both really appreciate some advice on how to do this.

Richard, my wife and I are separating. We have two children, 12 and 10. They don’t know yet but they must be aware that we are not getting on. We don’t shout at each other, so there are no huge conflicts but there are silences that speak loudly. We have had a number of issues in the marriage over recent years and we have both decided to separate. I think it will come as a surprise to the children. We both love our children and want to do this in a way that doesn’t disturb them for life. I have noticed that as we get closer to making the announcement to our children my wife has become more hostile towards me. We would both really appreciate some advice on how to do this. Thank you.

I’m very sorry to read your marriage has come to a conclusion. When we start out on this journey together and bring children into the world we never plan for the eventuality that it might not work out. We never think about the possibility of things being so difficult that the marriage won’t make it. But according to martial statistics, over 18,109 marriages ended in divorce or separation between 2011 and 2016. With nearly 5,266 couples applying for divorce in 2021. 

Those statistics highlight the incredible pressures that get placed on couples as they navigate their married life. I’m showing you those statistics so you understand that you are not alone. Marriage is difficult and the pressures on couples, financially, emotionally and physically are enormous and many don’t survive. 

So, try not to view this as a failure and have compassion for each other. As I said, neither of you started out thinking about this possibility, so there are inevitably going to be a myriad of very difficult emotions coming up for both of you over these next challenging few weeks.

Research is very clear, separation does not disturb children. How parents behave in the lead up to and aftermath of separation will determine if it is going to have a deleterious impact on the wellbeing of children. I have seen this so many times in my clinic. Heavily conflicted parents bring their children into adult themes and cause huge problems for them. 

It doesn’t sound like that is happening here. You did mention that your wife has become more upset as you move towards making the announcement to your children. Perhaps, you are not both as aligned in this decision as you think. I would suggest finding space away from the house and children to discuss this. 

I think it would be a good idea to engage with a professional to help structure this conversation. As I said, there are a lot of feelings floating around at this time and it’s important that they don’t come bursting out in front of your children. 

Understanding what each of you is going through will be important if this is to be successful. 

If you don’t want to seek professional help, I’d suggest going for a drive together and parking the car and discussing what each of you is feeling and what can each of you do to help each other. I have seen, over the years, really healthy separations. And they all have the same common thread to them. Both parties put the children at the centre of the process and learn how to parent them together while being separated. This is such an important thing. 

Another crucial aspect of a healthy separation is finding an outlet to articulate your feelings. Whether that is friends or family, it is vitally important that you have a network around you to be able to express what you are both feeling. Your children are never that outlet. As you get close to making the announcement to your children, it will become more real and those feelings will rise. Having a good network around you will allow you to validate what you are going through.

When you both sit down with your children it is important to explain to them in very clear language that you both really love them and that they are the product of your love for each other. Explain how much joy and love they have brought into both of your lives. I would then explain that you have decided to try and live a part for the moment. Explain that your relationship with each other is separate from your love for them and that will never change. 

Allow your children space to express their feelings about what they have just heard. It is important to validate their feelings, and afford them the opportunity to express them. It will be an emotional conversation. But children are more resilient than we think. As you both move into this new way of being together as parents, remember respect and compassion for each other will teach your children how to manage conflict in a healthy way.