Alison Curtis: 'It's time for parents of boys to teach them how to speak about girls'
A photograph of Ashling Murphy among flowers and candles at a make-shift shrine. Picture: Brian Lawless/PA Wire
The whole country is in mourning for one person even though most of us didn’t know her but she represents thousands of girls and women who are part of all of our lives. Ashling Murphy lost her life senselessly and brutally last week in Tullamore marking the 244th woman to die violently in Ireland since 1996 according to Women’s Aid.
It is all anyone has talked about since it happened a week ago and slowly and collectively you can feel the shock turning to anger.
Anger at how a young woman lost her life doing an everyday event of excising after work and on her way home to dinner with her family. An event that should be low risk. Women’s lives should not be under threat just by the very nature that they are women. They should be able to have a safe home, break up with a guy, walk home from the pub or run along a canal at 4pm and not die as a result of doing these things.
But in order for the violence to stop it is going to take a massive collective and global shift in how women are treated and how men behave. It is a patchwork that involves everyone starting from the moment little boys enter the world.
I say little boys on purpose and not meanly. For far too long we have centred our language and life lessons around the responsibility of little girls, teens and women to keep themselves safe. All of the obligations have landed at the feet of women.
Growing up we tell our daughters to never walk home alone but so often the danger is within the home. We teach them what to wear to avoid unwanted attention. We tell them to always call the moment they get in the door, carry keys between your fingers, travel in gangs for safety, cover their drinks, never go home with someone, always let people know where you are and so on.
To take responsibility for themselves, to not demand attention, to take no for an answer, to not interrupt and to be an ally.
We all have a role to play, every single one of us. Even last week I stopped myself from saying to a woman who already has two sons and who is expecting a girl from saying: “Ah well, she will be well protected” or “She has built-in bodyguards.” Why did I automatically think that this unborn child would need protection, why did I assume she wouldn’t end up defending her brothers from potential harm and why did I assume it was their job to protect her? I quickly caught myself and instead said: “She’s got two natural cheerleaders lined up!”Â
One big part of the overall solution I feel would be for consent to be taught properly in schools. So that everyone grows up with a clear understanding of what an equal and healthy relationship means between two people, no matter what their gender identity may be. I would also love to see boys supported to change their views of what being masculine means. That it does means being respectful and kind and not dominant. Masculine can have so many positive associations and it should.
Thankfully I do think that more and more positive male role models are becoming more visible in the world of sport and in Hollywood. To look up to a man you admire and see how they conduct themselves, to see they are supportive of women and not a threat to them, all add to the collective patchwork that needs to come together in order for real change to happen.
This change will not happen overnight. Violence towards women has a long systemic history but I am hopeful for the future. Even within Joan’s peer group, which very much includes boys, I can see their parents at so many turns dismantle behaviours and language that is not acceptable, that is potentially harmful and negative.
The reality is we need to all be part of this change. We need to end violence towards women and get to a point where anyone can go for a run anywhere at any time of the day and not lose their life.
