Learning Points: Hey, helicopter parents! Stop shielding your kids - you're not doing them any favours 

Twin Girls Using a Computer --- Image by © Royalty-Free/Corbis

As we come to the end of a very challenging year, what will be the take away lessons from 2020? For the majority of us, the year cannot end soon enough. 2021 arrives with the hope of the vaccine and the end of lockdown. But it is always important to reflect on the year just passed, especially after living through a global health crisis. 

We should look back with pride. We managed to keep everything going during a pandemic. 2020 challenged us in ways we never imagined. We had to reimagine our workspace and for many of us, manage home-schooling our children while navigating our close relationships. Not an easy task. But, we managed it. We didn’t collapse under it.

One of the most important insights we gained this year is that we are resilient and adaptable. I get asked by parents a lot, how do you raise resilient children? This is such an important question. It is more challenging than ever to raise resilient children because our children are so cosseted and don’t interact with each other in ways we used to as children. So, they are missing vital feedback that helps with healthy maturation. I have seen this over the years in my clinic, young adults unable to manage the strains of everyday life. 

One of the most destructive beliefs we can hold about our children is that they are soft and must be shielded from the world. Of course, I’m not advocating a return to Dickensian parenting. But we have to look at how we think about our children in the year ahead, because when we helicopter them we are damaging their self-belief.

As parents, we are hoping to launch healthy and happy children off into the world so that they can be productive, highly functioning and healthy. What did 2020 teach us about our children? When school got cancelled, what happened? Most children just rolled with it. When they couldn’t meet their friends and grandparents, what did they do? Well, most children invented new ways to connect. So, again I ask you, what did this year teach you about your child? It should have shown you that like you, they are resilient and adaptable. Two hugely significant attributes you need as an adult to navigate this world. 

So, why do we believe they need to be cosseted from the world? When we remove obstacles from our children we are removing wonderful moments of learning. We must not do this. Because we now have ocular proof that they can handle difficult situations, lets not fall back on the old destructive paradigm; children need to be shielded from all of life’s challenges. Ask yourself, whose needs am I meeting when I solve a problem for my child? And if I believe they are strong and resilient, would my parenting style change? I believe it would. I believe you would parent in a much more positive way. 

Remember, a label does not predict the future, it writes it. I had a client some years ago come to me because she believed her son needed confidence. He was in college but had recently dropped out. When I asked her about his formative years, the father interjected with a litany of endless tasks the mother did for the son. The mother explained why she had parented him differently than the other children, she believed he was soft and needed minding. He was in his twenties when I met him and really wasn’t functioning for his age. She was right, he lacked confidence. But how could he have confidence when he was never allowed to do anything for himself? We have to be very careful about the messages we give our children, because those labels we write about our children can be destructive for their development and impede a positive sense of self.

 As we limp over the line for 2020, we should take away some very important lessons from it. As parents, we had to endure an incredible amount. But endure we did, and we modelled for our children what true resilience looks like. We didn’t collapse under the inordinate weight placed on our shoulders. In fact, we rose to the challenge. Our children did the same. They proved that they are resilient and adaptable, too. Lets not take that from them and fall back on old parenting habits that reduce their self worth. A real gift we could give our children this new year is to allow them space to solve many of the issues that will come up for them in 2021. As we usher in a new year, it’s time to celebrate the people this pandemic introduced us to, our true resilient self. We should be very proud of ourselves for how we managed everything. 2021, has so much hope in store. Let's embrace it and give our children the gift of self-confidence.