There's some truth in the cattle mart rumours that Auld Lehane could soon be running the BBC

From chit-chatting to royalty to cleaning out the loo, there's no job our Auld Lehane says he wouldn't tackle, in this week's Lighten Up

The BBC is on the hunt for a new boss, and our Auld Lehane thinks he might be just the man for the job.

There have been some very strong rumours circulating around the cattle marts of Ireland recently, rumours that I might soon be taking over at the BBC.

The man who previously held the post, a fine fellow I'm sure, seems to have left faster than a scared goat leaves a cattle box, and so the field is now wide open for a successor.

Anyhow, the real drama starts now as the search begins to find a dynamic new leader for the famous channel.

And that's where I come in.

"If auld Lehane can raise a large family on a half-arsed farm, he can certainly run the BBC," a wise old man said at Macroom cattle mart last Saturday. And that was where the rumour was born.

And God knows, I could do a lot worse than to be running the BBC.

Worn out from hard work, soaked to the skin from inclement weather, I would relish the opportunity to spin around in an office chair and occasionally put my worn-out boots up onto a nice, comfortable desk. There's a lot to be said for it.

Anyhow, a net will now be thrown far and wide, in the search for a new boss, and if the old net is thrown far enough and wide enough, sure, even me myself, out here in the wilds of Kilmichael, might get entangled in it.

Stranger things have happened.

Don't rule me out, that's all I'm saying.

So, what could auld Lehane bring to the BBC?

Well, for starters, I would bring my great work ethic.

From chit-chatting to royalty to cleaning out the loo, there's no job I wouldn't tackle. It's all the same to me.

So long as I am out of the rain, I really don't give a hoot what I'm doing.

The BBC might also be interested to note that I have a good clean driver's licence. And would be willing to sleep in the car overnight, if accommodation was scarce.

Yerra, I did it back in Puck a few years ago. No hassle in the castle.

On the downside, I do drink a little. But sure, who doesn't?

And I can get quite contrary after drinking, which, on reflection, I suppose could make me a liability.

But this happens only rarely. Once a week at most.

Also, I'm not great at holding onto money or secrets.

So, it would be best if I didn't get too much of either.

But besides all that, I'm a terrific farmer and could easily head up the BBC in every way imaginable, while also carrying on with my duties as a farmer.

And just as sure as a new bull brings a change to the herd, there would be changes galore at the BBC with auld Lehane in charge.

For starters, I'd trim the fat and hold onto the lean.

I'd cull the has-beens and keep the thrivers.

I'd run the BBC like a sheep farm. I'd run it the way a fellow runs a new mower on entering a never-before-seen field of silage.

I'd put the shoe down and worry about the stones when I hit them.

And more power to me!

With auld Lehane in the driver's seat, Auntie Beeb would be purring as sweetly as my David Brown after the service of her life.