Denis Lehane: I'm Ireland's answer to Kevin Costner
Kevin Costner as John Dutton in 'Yellowstone'. Picture: Paramount
I have always dreamed of seeing my name up in lights.
Well, now it may become a reality.
Hollywood has been in touch.
They are anxious to make a movie about my life out here in the rough lands of Kilmichael, with Robert Redford rumoured to be coming out of retirement to star in the epic.
It will be a saga similar to , only with half the violence, a fraction of the sunshine, none of the sex and precious little money.
Hollywood at present is in love with ranchers.
They believe I might be Ireland's answer to Kevin Costner. And I do too.
Hollywood's interest in me stems from an article of mine that appeared in this year's .
A glossy Irish publication that has remarkably, unbelievably, made it onto a posh table in Beverly Hills.
My contribution to this year's annual was an account of my latest shenanigans with the Hereford.
Indeed, it's no exaggeration to say it was probably the finest piece of writing they had read since Margaret Mitchell's .
It has stoked interest in Hollywood and far beyond, the boys with cigars want to get the cameras rolling.
"Do you still have the bullock from Beara and the fellow with the one testicle?" one mogul asked.
"Of course I do," I assured him. Even though I probably don't.
"Great," came the response from down the line.
"And how do you look in a cowboy hat?" The movie maker then asked.
"I look," says I, "like the great TR Dallas himself."
"Excellent stuff!" They all howled back.
So much so, that I have been promised a big cheque that will dwarf even my single farm payment. Exciting times for sure. I can't wait.
"Did you know," one Hollywood bigwig then states, "that John Wayne himself owned one of the largest cattle ranches in the US?"
"Of course I did," I sighed. "Sure, everyone knows that."
The Duke had a massive ranch out there in Arizona or someplace.
He was very fond of cattle, but loved the Hereford most of all, as I do myself.
Unable to call it this time due to legalities far beyond what you or I could contemplate, the backers suggest we call it 'Stones' instead.
'Stones' is an awful name," says I, "for I'm sick and tired of stones.
"I picked them as a youngster, and I'm still picking them today as an old man.
"If the saga will be called 'Stones' I won't have anything to do with it.
My back is broken from stones."
"Ah heck," came the response.
They will have to come up with a better name.
"Do you have any horses on the farm?" I was then asked, for they love to see the rancher going around on horseback. It's an American thing.
"I don't have any horses," I declared, "but I know where there are two fine donkeys and could have them on the farm in two shakes of a ram's tail."
"Donkeys?" The producers pondered.
"I'm not so sure about donkeys," a moaning mogul muttered.
"Donkeys," I declared, "are the most underrated animal in the world.
"Sure wasn't it on a donkey that got Mary to the stable in Bethlehem?"
"It was indeed." came a reply from Los Angeles. "But we are not sure that a donkey from Ireland would appeal to an American audience."
Well, I had to laugh.
Considering what passes for entertainment on the telly most nights, a baying donkey from Ireland would be a significant improvement.
