Would ye believe that these morons actually suggested that a feed of spuds and burnt toast presents the consumer with a major health risk?
That, incredibly, yet again, is the pure truth.
The mind boggles.
I can say with total authority that no sane Irish person down all the generations ever sat down to a plate loaded with burnt toast and spuds.
None of you ever saw that happening either.
When we sit down to a plate of spuds, they are invariably accompanied by solid sustenance like bacon and cabbage, and are totally nourishing and healthy.
If we as a race have always been punching well above our weight on the world stage, it is entirely due to the wonderful properties of our noble spuds.
We cannot allow nameless morons to destroy or even taint that reputation.
The foundation of the resilient Irish backbone, both at home and abroad, is created by the spud.
A few years before the Famine, for example, a renowned European observer visited this island, and reported afterwards that he had not seen a healthier population anywhere across the continent.
The people he saw across what was allegedly a poor country, living almost exclusively on a diet of spuds, were sparkling with good health, which was immediately obvious to the observer because of their clear skins and sparkling eyes and high energy.
The proof of the great value of the spud, sadly, came shortly afterwards, when the Famine struck the land and the vital crop failed across the provinces. Millions had to emigrate (to the wider world’s great benefit), and countless thousands perished from hunger, as we all know.
We do not need to dwell on that dark chapter of our history, but we certainly need now to take urgent action to protect the reputation and value of our noble spud.
The reality is that if we allow this foul attack to go unanswered, the next development is likely to be slanderous assaults upon the purity and quality of our other mighty vegetables, such as cabbage and carrots and onions.
These cyber attacks of the modern world are extremely infectious and dangerous and could greatly damage our agricultural industry in no time at all.
We urgently need to appoint a powerful Minister for Cropaganda to go out across the world proclaiming the purity, potency and power for good health of our entire vegetable production, but especially the value to every nation of the Irish spud.
I have devoured spuds in all four provinces in my lifetime, beginning with the huge Ulster chieftains of my childhood and, for what it is worth, I would offer the opinion that our new Minister for Cropaganda should bring with him on his travels a supply of Golden Wonder spuds from the Dungarvan area.
The Kerrs Pinks in East Galway are good, yes, but there is nothing to touch the floury perfection of the delicately flavoured Golden Wonders from East Waterford. They are well-named.
I hope that the farming organisations get strongly behind this campaign for a Cropaganda politician to go out into the field as soon as possible to defend our noble spud and its colleagues against this foul and totally unjustified attack by the health morons.
I hope they choke on their burnt toast, in the immediate future.